Janet Ellis Why do my grandchildren behave so badly with me?

NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .

QI AM a 65-year-old grandmother of two, aged 11 and 13. I love them dearly, but am beginning to dread the times I have to look after them on my own. When I visit them at their home, they are perfectly behaved. However, as soon as my daughter, who relies on me for childcare, isn’t there, they turn on me: it is as if they have no respect for me whatsoever. They speak to me so rudely and just ignore everything I say — whether it’s to turn the telly off and do their homework, or eat properly at the dinner table.

I don’t understand what’s gone wrong with our relationship. It never used to be like this when they were little! My daughter has a lot on her plate at the moment, so I’m wary of bothering her with this. But it is just exhausting. I’m fed up with being treated so badly behind her back. How can I sort this out?

AEVERY mother agonises about the effect going back to work will have on their little ones. Surely, she thinks, no one can cuddle — or correct — her children like she can. But when their family is older, most mothers imagine the household will have adjusted to her absence and run like clockwork.

Not only will the kids no longer need the close attention little ones do, they’ll understand why mum’s not at home. As your daughter is discovering, the truth is rather different.

Broadly, it’s the mother who finds it hardest to be separated from her little child, but it’s the teenager who needs their mother more. It’s easy to imagine they’re fine — teens and nearly-teens don’t confess they’d rather have mum around. It’s their behaviour that gives the game away. In this case, the punishment they’d probably like to impose on their mother for being absent is being meted out to you.

I suspect they feel, as you do, that she’s too busy to be bothered with their problems. They also think you’ll love them however badly they treat you.

you find yourself in a triangle of dissatisfaction and if you don’t deal with it swiftly, there’s a danger things will come to a head.

your grandchildren are old enough to be told you’re not going to put up with rudeness any longer. you’re hardly asking for anything outrageous. Unless they’d rather go somewhere else after school, they need to respect your rules and repay your kindness.

It sounds as if you haven’t really talked to your daughter for a while. She’s got used to leaving her children with you without discussing either their needs or her own troubles.

Steer clear of criticising the kids — it’ll put her on the defensive. But you can ask how she’s doing. you could talk more openly to her when your grandchildren are around, too.

If the children know all the concerned adults in their life are on the same page, it may help them to behave consistently in both households — and behave well.