My new boyfriend’s house is a shrine to his ex-wife

DEAR BEL, I WANT an honest opinion on something causing me some anxiety. Six years ago I lost my husband after 43 years of marriage. I threw myself into creating a new life, joining various clubs and societies and spending time with family and friends.

I thought that would be the pattern for the rest of my life, but in the past few months I began thinking about how much I missed male company and a oneto-one relationship. Also the physical side of a relationship.

I decided to give online dating a try. Within weeks I met a lovely man who had lost his wife of many years. We hit it off from the start and very quickly we were seeing each other almost every day and soon became intimate.

For genuine reasons he can’t stay at my house so if we want to spend the night together it has to be at his house. We go out regularly, I have met his family and friends and have lots in common.

The problem is that his house is like a shrine to his wife. Every room (apart from the room we sleep in) is full of photographs of her. Either alone, or together or with their children who are both now married. We sit eating breakfast facing an array of them. He takes flowers to her grave every week without fail.

Only months into the relationship is it too early for me to say that these photographs bother me? I sometimes wonder if, due to the obvious strength of his feelings for her, there is any room in his life for me.

It’s six years since we both lost our partners and I loved my husband dearly but I don’t feel the need to cover every surface with his photographs. Am I being unreasonable? VANESSA

Every expert on grief discusses the stages of mourning (denial, anger, and so on), but while it’s true that the way people respond to bereavement does indeed shift and change in recognisable patterns, there are no rules here.

It should be obvious that since we are all so different, men and women will respond to the loss of a beloved person in different ways and at different rates. yet you are judging this man you are fond of by your own standards.

you ask for an ‘honest opinion’ as to whether you are being unreasonable, and my answer is ‘yes.’ Although, as I often point out, ‘reason’ has precious little to do with matters of the heart.

Now if this chap were to write to me in turn, asking, ‘Is it unfair of me to expect my new lady friend to be happy sitting among so many pictures of my late wife?’, my straight answer to him would also be ‘yes.’ The only way through is for both of you to realise that there is no right and wrong in such matters, and to understand that moving forward with any relationship at any time depends on considering the other person’s wants and needs. Which may not coincide with your own!

you have both been bereaved for six years and — both having decided it was time to try to find love again — been lucky to have found somebody you have so much in common with.

The future could be wonderful and I rejoice at that prospect — especially as you sound so determined, positive and energetic. (I love someone who can write, ‘I threw myself into making a new life…’) But the truth is, after such a relatively short time, you have no right to dictate what he does or does not have in his home.

The fact that you personally don’t ‘feel the need’ to be surrounded by pictures of your late husband has no bearing on this man’s delight in visible memories of his wife.

As time passes I hope he will be sensitive enough to realise

that you seeing all these images each time is perhaps an obstruction to relaxation.

He might put a few in a drawer, feeling guilty as he does, knowing that his feelings of grief have already settled and he must look ahead. When will that happen? Well, if you continue to be happy and enjoy life together, it will probably happen soon. But if you show you resent the photographs I doubt it will happen at all.

If I were you I would encourage him to talk about his late wife as much as possible, I’d look at all the photographs, admire them, and then reach the point when you ask — very gently — if one week you might go with him when he takes flowers to her grave. If he asks why, the answer can only be that you are so fond of him you want to share all aspects of his life.

He might feel consciencestricken at finding new happiness when his wife his dead. In that case you must tell him that our beloved dead want nothing more than that we live life to the full, for their sake.

tell him it is obvious that his dear wife taught him how to love, as your late husband did you — and that’s wonderful.

Of course there is ‘room’ for you — because the heart is infinitely expandable, if it is nurtured, not pressured.