I dread spending weekends alone

DEAR BEL I AM sure I am only one of many thousands who dread the weekends. I am retired, with my family several hundred miles away.

Various friends have either died, have dementia, or other ill health problems or are busy with their own families.

On a limited income, I have a couple of health issues and spend each weekend just sitting and feeling sorry for myself, completely lacking motivation.

Any advice on how to kickstart myself at the weekends would be most welcome. The rest of the week I am (on the whole) fine.

Please help, it’s really horrible feeling this way every weekend without knowing what to do to feel better. I really do hate myself for seemingly being unable to do anything about it and feel such an idiot reacting the way I do! MARION

Last week in and Finally I talked about the tV programme the Undateables and raised the issue of people needing to learn to be alone. One reader, Js, took issue with me — and her email is relevant:

‘I would like you to put yourself in my shoes. I am a gregarious, mostly-happy lady of 73 who absolutely hates being on my own for long.

‘But life has thrown me the short straw and I have spent a good few years alone, even after trying everything you have suggested: clubs, internet dating, voluntary work...you name it, I’ve done it. But nothing has worked and there have always been more women than men . . .

‘It was only when I got to 60, with a broken marriage that I started to feel the awful pain that comes with loneliness. I have just spent the last three days not speaking to a soul, no knocks on the door or phone calls . . . my boys don’t bother very often...and they live a long way away. Where I live is so unfriendly that I wouldn’t dare to knock on someone’s door, as I know I wouldn’t be invited in. I think I am beginning to give up now, and accept the fact that unless I keep making the effort, nobody is going to be bothered.’

I’m grateful to Js but hope she didn’t think I was saying it’s just hunky-dory to be alone. this is what I wrote: ‘sometimes the first step on the path to relating to others is (strangely) to decide you like being alone and want truly to know yourself.’ I was thinking of self-sufficiency and self-knowledge being attractive to others — but I do admit my words could sound insensitive and sincerely apologise for that.

and it is precisely because I’m aware of how many people are tormented by loneliness that I’ve chosen your letter, Marion. You don’t use the word but I imagine that’s why your weekends are so dire.

Years ago in this column I suggested to a certain lonely lady that she try going to one of her local churches, but you’d have thought I’d suggested she sell drugs on the High street, so indignant was her email back. ‘I’d never do such a thing’ she snapped – and I wondered why, when so many church communities offer coffee mornings and other social events.

Does it matter if you believe in God? Not really; most Christian churches welcome you, doubts and all. But you see, I had the distinct impression that the cross lonely lady didn’t really want help. she wanted to sit in her room complaining — whereas I’d try anything, just to see whom I might meet.

But Js has indeed tried many ways of meeting people. Yet one problem arises when the underlying motivation is romance, because then, when love remains elusive, people can quickly become very sad and disillusioned and just give up. On the other hand, if companionship is what you want, then an imbalance in the sexes would not matter, would it?

You say you ‘hate yourself’ and ‘feel such an idiot’ but it’s time to give yourself a break. Make a plan to do one new thing each weekend – and for that you MUst find out what is going on locally.

the Ramblers’ association, dogwalking, volunteering, driving the elderly, church activities, line dancing, picking up debris from beaches, mindfulness groups, a book club . . . I’m just listing things off the top of my head because I don’t know where you live.

I can’t motivate you, other than to remind you that this life you have is very precious and you must use it well. Moping is not the answer — and you acknowledging that is the first important kick-start.