Hey Uncle Junior, someone’s stolen the sausage rolls

When Tony Soprano’s Uncle Junior was under house arrest, he was allowed out to attend funerals.

Junior would scour the obituaries page and pretend to be a close friend or relative of the deceased to get a pass from his parole officer. Theresa Doyle, 65, from Slough, is another serial attender of strangers’ funerals. She keeps a black outfit handy inthe shopping basket on her bike, and always takes along a Tupperware box, which she fills with sandwiches and sausage rolls from the buffet to take home with her. According to neighbours, she’s been doing the same routine for about 14 years. I’m reminded of a bloke who used to turn up at all the political and trades union conferences in Blackpool every summer, claiming to be the northern industrial correspondent of the news of the World (which didn’t have a northern industrial correspondent). You’d see him at every free drinks reception, stuffing his face with vol- au-vents and chicken legs.

he was known as Furtive Bill and there was a rumour he lived under the snooker table at the Imperial hotel.

out of season, he probably gatecrashed funerals, too.