Why won’t my grandchildren write thank you letters?
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .
QEARLIER this month, I gave my 18-year-old granddaughter £100 for getting into university. She didn’t open the card at the time, so I expected her to write or email a thank you when she did. But six weeks later, I’m still waiting.
I understand she is busy settling in — it’s an exciting time for her, and I am the last thing on her mind.
But this isn’t an isolated incident — she rarely visits, and it’s always my son who says thanks on her behalf. It’s been years since she sent me a thank you letter.
This amazes me, as these basic manners were engrained in me as I was growing up. I thought I’d done the same to my children. Am I being just oldfashioned to expect a thank you letter?
ASome things are much better nowadays, aren’t they? Not just the big stuff, such as advances in medicine and education, but the fact that it’s easier than ever to travel, there’s masses of choice on TV and we can order pretty much anything we want online.
I agree, though, that some seemingly old-fashioned things are a sad loss. The thank you letter — always lovely to receive — is one of them.
If your granddaughter never properly acquired the habit of putting pen to paper, and if her dad’s always stepped in on her behalf, it’s no wonder she’s not expressing her gratitude now.
I’m sure that you instilled this courtesy in your son. He must have decided he wouldn’t force his own kids to comply. But I doubt this is all about not getting thank you letters. It sounds as if you think you’ve lost touch with your granddaughter. It’s understandable: teenagers can be remote sometimes. They tend to have plenty of time for their own activities, while strangely not finding space for things they haven’t chosen to do, such as visiting relatives. This stage in her life is an ideal time to reconnect, and I suggest you take the initiative. Why not message her (by text or email, so that you’re speaking the same language) and tell her how much you’d like to see her? If she’s too far away for a day trip, then make a date for the next time she’s home. If you’re stuck for ideas about where to go, ask your son for advice. But don’t let him tag along. He’s been unwittingly getting in between you for too long. When you do see her, say you’d love to hear from her from time to time and ask how she’d prefer to keep in touch, but don’t always wait to hear from her before you write. You don’t want your granddaughter keeping in touch only out of a sense of duty. You wouldn’t want a perfectly composed letter instead of a relationship. Play your cards right and you might even end up with both.