I’ve been shunned by my family and feel so jealous

DEAR BEL,

I AM at the end of my tether and don’t know where to turn. I lost my son (45) last year through alcoholism. His father and I divorced 20 years ago and both remarried, certainly happily in his case. He was a serial cheat who put the children through hell.

My son was driven to succeed and build a good life for his family, he was also driven by his materialistic wife.

They have two lovely boys, but his wife allowed them to witness all sorts of hell, due to my son’s drinking. She didn’t want to call time on the relationship while he was still functioning and bringing in a good income.

When she finally told him to leave he spent a year in a depressing flat and quickly deteriorated. She wouldn’t let the boys see him (which I can understand) and he cried for them every day.

It was me who spent all my time trying to get help, taking him to A&E, to psychiatrist appointments all over the country, eventually losing my job as a result.

It was me who once stayed awake

Your story is very sad indeed. What you have endured would tax the strongest person. It might be that your son’s fatal addiction could be traced back to his father’s ill-treatment of the family — whatever the truth, your current ill-feeling is understandable.

Yet bitterness, like acid, corrodes everything it touches. Entirely destructive, it can eat away at affection, making people not want to see the sad, isolated one who has chosen to embrace pain, jealousy and rage.

Does that sound harsh? It’s just meant to be true. So many things in your email worry me that I must point them out, in order to advise.

First, you imply that your own second marriage is less than happy, which (I suspect) fuels resentment and jealousy of your first husband.

Second, you describe your daughter-in-law for two nights, dealing with the police etc — until he was eventually found dead in his flat.

At the age of 63 it’s not been easy to find work and I’ve had to settle for a low-paid clerical job until I can retire. This is really where the problem is.

My ex-husband and his wife are retired and financially comfortable. They can see the boys whenever they like. I feel bitter and resentful that they seem to have hijacked my grief and my grandsons.

I’m my son’s mother — not the new wife. Yes, I know this is selfish and unreasonable.

The last straw has come when even though we all arranged to get together on the anniversary of his death, it now turns out that it’s just going to be his dad and his wife, the boys as well as my daughter and her children.

How do I accept being left out gracefully? How do I move on? It’s brought back all the bitterness and jealousy of the divorce, as well as the loss of my son.

Please give me some advice. PENNY as ‘materialistic’ and suggest she stayed with your tragic son because of his salary until she could bear it no more.

You blame her for exposing your grandsons to their father’s drinking. But what would you have had her do? Throw him out sooner?

Witnessing your son’s deterioration and taking on the burden of care must have been terrible. one result is that you have a job that’s beneath you. Then you say, ‘This is really where the problem is.’

Having read this several times I think you’re implying your lack of money is a factor in your being estranged from the family, whereas your ex-husband is financially oK and so has access to the grandsons.

This interpretation would link to your description of your daughterin-law as ‘materialistic.’ Is this fair? Is this really true?

Nobody can ‘highjack’ your grief. I have nothing but compassion for your loss. But if you resent your ex-husband’s access to your grand

sons, it might be useful to wonder if he’s a welcome visitor because he and his second wife are happy.

You describe yourself as ‘selfish and unreasonable’ — so please examine those words carefully and consider what to do about them. I sympathise with those feelings of being left out of the gathering to mark the anniversary of your son’s death — but maybe your daughter and daughter-in-law are worried it might be too much for you.

If you constantly carry ‘bitterness and jealousy’ and angry grief to the family table, it can make everyone else feel even more miserable. of course, I’d prefer them to rally round you. But perhaps hostility to your ex, his wife and your daughter-in-law has become a fence that keeps them out.

I hope you accept their decision with grace, because vowing to do so (reflecting on what I have written) will give you a chance to ‘move on’. You have two sets of grandchildren to forge good relationships with and retirement to anticipate.

I hope that now you no longer have the agony of worrying about your poor son, you can work on your marriage and try to make positive plans for a future with your whole family.