Veganuary? Pass the bacon please...

HoW’S Veganuary working out for you so far? thought not. i didn’t even realise it was Veganuary until i was on my third rasher of smoked back bacon yesterday. Bit late by then.

i was halfway through my fry-up before i read the story about 52,000 people in Britain signing a pledge to give up meat and dairy this month.

After spooning another dollop of extrathick salted-caramel double cream into my pint mug of weapons-grade coffee, i discovered that the Yew Kay — as Keith Waterhouse used to call it — is now, allegedly, the world capital of veganism.

that is, of course, if you believe a spokesman for something called Vegan Kind, who claimed that sales of vegan food in December were ‘literally astronomical’. Which, obviously, i don’t.

turns out Vegan Kind is a supermarket which sells only vegan products. of course it is. to adapt what Mandy Rice-Davies said during the Profumo trial: they would say that, wouldn’t they?

Sadly, this is what passes for ‘news’ these days. Stand by for double-page spreads on the new veganism and Z-list celebs littering the rolling news channels and colour supplements with their conversion to miracle diets cleansed of animal fats.

Meanwhile, the rest of us will shrug our shoulders and take no notice whatsoever. Veganuary is just another self-obsessed gimmick trying to elbow its way into the calendar. Barely a day, week or month goes by without it being commandeered by a singleissue pressure group.

Until Veganuary came along, Alcohol Concern must have thought it had cornered the market at this time of the year with Dry January, when we all have to give up drinking for a month.

Maybe Dry January has now moved to Stoptober, which we used to call october until fairly recently. or is that Notsober, or whatever the month formerly known as November calls itself these days?

Come to think of it, isn’t November called Movember nowadays, when all those of us who still identify as men are required to grow a moustache?

(Actually, i did have a moustache once, 30-odd years ago when i wrote a column for London’s Evening Standard. Never again. it made me look like Peter Mandelson. i shaved it off when a reader wrote in asking for a signed copy of my ‘dishy’ byline photo. the letter was from a bloke.)

Who comes up with these stupid names? they wouldn’t even get a job writing lame jokes for Christmas crackers. Presumably, Veganuary is so called because it vaguely fits with January. Same with Movember. Veganpril wouldn’t work. Nor would Mogust.

‘Raising awareness’ has become just another branch of the virtue-signalling industry.

i’m not having a pop at people who genuinely want to help others.

But most of these ‘awareness’ campaigns are exploited by those who simply want to draw attention to themselves.

they’ve either got an agenda to push or, more often than not, they’ve got something to sell — like supermarkets hoping to cash in on Veganuary. it can’t be a coincidence that both Waitrose and Sainsbury’s have just announced new vegan ranges.

there’s so many of these ‘awareness’ events that it leads inevitably to fixture clashes. For instance, how is Veganuary going to fare when it comes up against Farmhouse Breakfast Week, which is pencilled in for January 22-28?

i’m guessing that Farmhouse Breakfast Week is more interested in flogging Cumberland sausages than promoting quinoa burgers.

Actually, Farmhouse Breakfast Week sounds much more up my

strasse than Veganuary or Dry January. Where can i sign up for mixed grill and chips for breakfast every day this month, washed down with a large Bloody Mary? Especially now a report, also in yesterday’s newspaper, claims that carnivores enjoy more sex than vegetarians.

Apparently, 42 per cent of those of us who eat meat once a day have sex at least once a week, compared to just 16 per cent of those who stick to a meatfree diet.

the more rump steak you eat, the more rumpy-pumpy you get, we’re told.

You won’t be surprised to learn, though, that these are the findings of a new survey by a company which — surprise, surprise — sells free-range meat online.

So it’s probably no more reliable a source than the promoters of Veganuary, who claim that if you stop eating meat and dairy you’ll live to be 150. No you won’t, it’ll just feel like it.

Still, give me a free-range Farmhouse Breakfast Week over a dry Veganuary any time.

Bring on the bacon banjos!