Salards — the quick way to put on weight
Following the introduction by the oxford English Dictionary of new words such as ‘mansplaining’, meaning ‘a man explaining something condescendingly to a woman’, and ‘hangry’, meaning ‘irritable as a result of hunger’, here is the latest instalment of my Dictionary of new words:
SABURRRTAGE: Deliberate damage to a telephone. ‘I tried ringing, but I could only get the dialling tone. You know what I suspect happened? Saburrtage.’
SACKARIN: To dismiss someone from employment while offering a sugary look of sympathy.
SADULTERY: Sexual intercourse conducted between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse in a motel room on a ring-road at 3.30pm.
SADVERTISEMENT: A public notice or announcement designed to make the heart sink, eg: ‘See it. Say it. Sorted.’
SAGA-GA: A very long story of heroic achievement featuring someone very, very old.
SAGRIFICE: To give your antiageing cream to someone else.
SALAAM CLOCK: Oriental timepiece that says: ‘Peace be with you.’
SALAMINDER: A person employed to look after a tailed, newt-like amphibian.
SALARD: A cold dish of raw or cooked vegetables which tastes unusually delicious because it is heavily seasoned with fat. ‘Last season I stuck to a strict diet of salard and only put on two stone.’
SALOWERY: Standard fixed regular payment given to most women working for the BBC.
SALARMI: Highly-seasoned Italian sausage that is unexpectedly found to contain something very odd. ‘I had taken three bites of the salarmi before I bit something hard and slightly muscly.’
SALOOPIAN: A dotty or otherwise offbeat native of Shropshire.
SANGRIURGH: Spanish drink of red wine commonly made with lemonade, fruit, brandy, yoghurt, marmalade, tomato ketchup, ginger beer, margarine, baked beans, liquorice, Diet Coke, etc.
SAMUWRY: Japanese army officer known for his dry or sardonic humour. ‘Twelve samuwry came over the hill and attacked me ruthlessly with their drolleries.’
SANATORYUM: Establishment for the treatment of convalescing Conservatives. ‘I see Iain Duncan Smith has been released from the sanatoryum. They’re letting him go on the Today programme three times a week until he’s fully recovered.’
SANEARI: Safari that takes place just down the road.
SARCOPHAGUSH: Over-the-top flattery carved on an ancient stone coffin concerning the body inside. ‘O thou greatest of all Pharaohs, whose every word and breath heralded the birth of joy and wisdom among his people,’ read the sarcophagush. SAUCEPUN: Metal cooking dish employed primarily for stews, soups, wordplay, double entendre, etc. SAUSITCH: The restless desire for an item of minced pork encased in a skin to form a cylinder. SAV-E-LAWYER: Barrister or solicitor who likes to munch on seasoned red pork sausages in court. SAXOPHONEY: A fraud who wants everybody to think he plays a brass instrument, but secretly just pretends to blow it. ‘When I studied the gorgeous brass section on the video, it struck me that half of them must be saxophoneys.’ SAYGO: The best way to start a pudding race. SCABBAGE: Vegetable that breaks a strike called by its green-leafed colleagues. ‘The lettuces, curly kale and spinach were all chanting “Scabbage! Scabbage!” as the spring greens tried to break through the picket line.’
SCANDULL: A widely reported misdemeanour that gives rise to a widespread attack of public inertia. ‘The alleged historic office flirtation by Gavin Williamson is one of this year’s greatest scandulls, particularly as no one has ever heard of Gavin Williamson.’ SCAPECOAT: A coat that is forced to take the blame for every other coat. SCARF-ARF-ARF: To laugh at someone’s choice of woollen neckwear. ‘I can’t stop scarf-arf-arfing whenever I see what the next BBC correspondent is wearing around his neck.’
SCIENTOLOGEEGEE: Senior equine executive of the religion created by L. Ron Hubbard. ‘I am delighted to say that Dobbin has risen to a high position among Scientologeeegees.’
SCHISUMUMUM: The inability to decide whether or not there is a point of difference between two factions. SCORNUCOPIA: An abundant supply of ridicule. ‘With his tweets and his speeches President Donald Trump has created a modernday scornucopia.’