KEN DODD’S tattyfilarious JOKE BOOK
Tribute pullout of all his best gags
Fifty-five years in showbusiness, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh. My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said: ‘Is this a joke?’ Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel. So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut. Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed. Honolulu’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener. She was a big girl — she could stir fry a leg of lamb. She tried the ‘speak your weight’ machine. It said: ‘To be continued.’ I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma. So this fellow tells the doctor: ‘Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.’ The doctor asks: ‘What do you take?’ ‘Pepper.’ My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.’
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday. Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it. Be honest girls, is this the first time you’ve seen a Chippendale? My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them. In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was. Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. It’s ten years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back. Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted.’ An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in. I wouldn’t part with my teeth. I’m the only patient who can sit in the dentist’s waiting room and have his teeth checked at the surgery. How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows — it’s never been done before. [Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre] It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed. Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life — standing in the dark in your trousers all day. We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy — the Count of Monte Bisto. I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. I’ve done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted: ‘Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher.’ And it was during the bingo. The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost. Doctor, ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50.’ ‘From which direction?’ The question I am frequently asked is how can I make a small tin of rice pudding last longer? Well, use a smaller spoon. In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast — it’s their staple diet. What is deja vu? Haven’t I already answered that? Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour? Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn’t let them have his piano. I went into a shop last Saturday to buy a lottery ticket. And there was a gorgeous girl behind the counter. She said, ‘Next week it’ll be rollover week.’ I said, ‘Will it? That’s better than winning ten quid.’ I do gigs or ‘one night stands’. One night is all they can stand. [On his famously long shows] Let me tell you it gets stressful. You’re under stress. I’m under stress. I don’t know what I’m under stress for. I’m the only one who knows what time it’s going to finish tonight . . . but I don’t want to depress you. I’m an optimist. No, an optimist, love. Nothing to do with your eyes. The other night in our house in Knotty Ash the phone rang. I picked up the phone, he said: ‘Hello Ken, it’s Chris Tarrant here, ITV’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Ken, we have David Beckham here and his wife Victoria and with your help we can get them up to £100.’ This audience tonight represents the crème de la crème — that’s French for ‘evaporated milk’. This is going to be a long, long show. By the time you get out of here tonight Peter Mandelson will have paid his mortgage off. Eve said to Adam: ‘Do you love me?’ And he replied: ‘Well who else is there?’ I went outside the house and there was this man with his head sticking out
What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letterbox and shouting: ‘Help, help, the Martians have landed’