Why do you treat callers with such contempt?
Endless waiting. Infernal Muzak. The torture of being put on hold by faceless companies is getting worse. Here we name the guilty — and ask...
SINCE I do my family’s banking, not to mention dealing with Npower and holiday bookings, I tend to hear a lot of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. It feels rather sad to associate it with a red-mist rage and drown it with a torrent of oaths.
It’s not always Vivaldi: sometimes it’s Mozart being cheerily massacred on a synthesiser, or one of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s more soothing little tunes. Though these, mysteriously, are sometimes played at the wrong speed or with peculiar new rhythms that mean you can’t even calm your fury by singing along.
This universal torment is called On Hold Music. Amazingly, there are companies devoted to selling it to other companies, utilities and banks who know perfectly well that they intend to keep their customers waiting.
The Muzak-merchants’ sales pitch about this crippling waste of our lives is soothing and positive: ‘Why not use a captivating combination of music and voice?’ they ask seductively ‘to enhance customer experience and showcase your business identity?’ Showcase, bah! In reality, it all comes down to the bottom line.
Hiring enough competent phone staff costs money. A few companies do achieve this — and the shorter your wait, the more helpful the operator is likely to be. That’s because it’s more likely his or her life is not spent being shouted at by people made desperate by George Michael’s Careless Whisper.
My own bank, First Direct, is a model in this regard and I was pleased to see it score highly in one survey of wait times. My broadband and phone providers, on the other hand, scored low. Which might explain some of the kick-marks on our kitchen door.
I suspect some organisations have worked out that if customers know ringing up will leave them sobbing in frustration, in the end they will use the website. Dealing with customers online is cheaper, since computer algorithms hardly cost you anything. Nor do they demand maternity pay and loo-breaks.
But if your website is confusing and slow, drags people round in circles with fatuous ‘Frequently Asked Questions’, then locks them out when they get the password wrong twice, customers have to call anyway. And listen to your annoying music and soothing lies about how ‘your call is important to us’. No it isn’t. If it was, you’d have hired someone to answer it.
One woman — according to a letter in a newspaper — waited 18 minutes on the phone to NatWest, only to be told she was in a queue of 472. I have never hit that level of corporate abuse. But I often wait just as long. Usually with the phone beside me set to speaker, so I can get on with something else. The danger is that when a living human voice eventually speaks from the phone, you’re so excited you push the wrong button and cut yourself off.
Business schools are now interested in ‘On Hold Rage’: a research group in Manchester took over a call centre for three weeks and tried different music. Instead of instrumental or synthesised numbers, they played pop songs with words. Some were just ordinary love songs, others what they called ‘pro-social’ lyrics about being nice to people. The Beatles’ Help was tried, and Michael Jackson’s Heal The World. Then they assessed callers’ levels of anger. The pop songs apparently didn’t bother customers any more than Muzak.
But they got angrier than usual when played lyrics about helping. Probably because nobody was helping them, and they felt mocked. If only they had tried some really agonising emotional song such as She’s Not There or It Ain’t Me, Babe.
And although the operators can’t hear the waiting music, they reported feeling less emotionally exhausted when dealing with customers who heard regular music, as opposed to the stuff about helping and caring.
At least someone’s researching it. And businesses may eventually work out that despite the saying, music does not unfailingly soothe a savage breast. What does is a polite, prompt, live human voice saying those magical words: ‘How can I help you?’
It’s estimated that we spend 43 days of our lives on hold. If the terrible music doesn’t make you want to dig an early grave, upbeat voiceovers thanking you for your patience will.
SO WHO are the worst offenders? From energy companies and airline providers to breakdown assistance and telephone companies, we put ten to the test by ringing their customer service lines. In 60 per cent of calls it took more than five minutes — the industry standard — to be put through to a human being.
In that time, multiple buttons had to be pressed and voice commands given to get to the Holy Grail: an answer from a real person. We were directed to Serbia, Cape Town and Dundee — and endured music bad enough to make us think of calling the whole thing off.
MIND-NUMBING ADS EVERY 30 SECONDS
FLYBE
Ease of finding number? A ‘contact us’ link on the website leads to four options. I pick ‘telephone’ then select whether this is before or after a flight, or another inquiry all together. I must then specify the call’s topic before a number appears. Buttons pressed? One.
How long to get through to a human? Nine minutes, nine seconds. Music? Like an awful student band without vocals.
Voiceovers? Non-stop. A young man tells me about cabin restrictions, special airport assistance, to bring a valid ID and recommends booking a hotel and car through the website every 30 seconds. I hear the words ‘Flybe.com’ a million times. Was the call taker helpful? Yes, a well-informed woman called Sara. Where are they? Belgrade, Serbia. Overall satisfaction? Too long to get through but good once there. 6/10
72 MINUTES ON HOLD — AND NO APOLOGY!
JOBCENTRE PLUS
Ease of finding number? Easy to find on the government’s website
Buttons pressed? Two. An automated voice then tells me all operators are busy. How long to get through to a
human? One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds. My phone arm aches like I’ve run a marathon, my phone battery almost goes and I feel a hot, inexpressible fury.
Music? Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, which is now forever ruined for me. It felt like being waterboarded in E Major.
Voiceovers? A posh-sounding woman asks me to hold, call back later, look for work or other Jobcentre Plus services every 45 seconds.
Was the call taker helpful? Once I got through, Adam sounded in about as good a mood as me. He was brisk and short.
By now it was just after 6pm (his shift was technically up, according to the opening hours). I told him how long I’d been waiting and he said unfortunately they get a lot of calls on a Friday — no apology. Where are they? Torquay, Devon.
Overall satisfaction? For those relying on this number this is surely utterly unacceptable. 0/10
A FAST REPLY . . . BUT A DIRE SERVICE
SCOTTISH POWER
Ease of finding number? Nigh-onimpossible. On the website, I’m repeatedly directed to log in or to articles about problems rather than being encouraged to speak to someone. Eventually, I Google it. Buttons pressed? Three and four (I make two calls). How long to get through to a human? Four minutes (first call) and 36 seconds (second call). Music? Rock standards James Bay (Hold Back The River) and Paul Weller (Broken Stones). Voiceovers? None.
Was the call taker helpful? Disaster. I speak to three people. None can help. The last is apologetic but I’m told no one can help unless I have an account — even though the service I want is for new customers. Where are they? Near Inverness. Overall satisfaction? I enjoyed the Paul Weller but the rest felt distinctly below par. 2/10
MUSIC TO MAKE YOUR EARS BLEED
THAMES WATER
Ease of finding number? Average. A small ‘contact us’ tab on the firm’s homepage takes me through the options before a number is shown. Buttons pressed? Three. How long to get through to a human? Ten minutes, 20 seconds. Music: Scratchy lounge music. Voiceovers? Every 20 seconds a woman thanked me for my patience
and said I should go to the website for water-saving advice — a message I heard 26 times.
Was the call taker helpful? Cathy sounded very young and was slow, but conscientious. Where are they? Rotherham, South Yorkshire.
Overall satisfaction? A long wait — and the dreadful music made my ears bleed. 3/10
COOL MUSIC MADE UP FOR THE WAIT
APPLE
Ease of finding number? I spend a while clicking through until I find a tiny ‘contact Apple’ link bottom right of the homepage that has a customer service number.
Buttons pressed? One. A female, Scottish automated voice asks me four questions about my query. She then requests I input the serial number of my computer, which I do. She checks one digit with me but mishears another, which isn’t checked, so the whole exercise becomes redundant. How long to get through to a
human? Total wait time is 17 minutes, 23 seconds. Of those, ten minutes, 35 seconds is spent waiting before I’m redirected to another department. After another six minutes, 48 seconds,
someone who can help is finally on the line.
Music? I’m offered the option to wait in silence! I decline and listen to a roster of seriously cool tunes. Voiceovers? Not many and restricted to in-between tracks.
Was the call taker helpful? Yes! Patient, personable and chipper. He walks me through how to fix a problem with my computer mouse without making me feel useless or silly. Where are they? Cork, Ireland.
Overall satisfaction? A dire wait time and mind-bendingly irritating automated start, but the call taker pulled it back. 6/10
VOICEOVERS SPOKE OVER EACH OTHER
AA
Ease of finding number? Best by far! A number is written at the top of the homepage. Buttons pressed? Five — and then I’m put on hold. How long to get through to a human? Eight minutes, 25 seconds. Music? Classical piano. It wasn’t terrible.
Voiceovers? Incessant. At one point a voiceover interrupts another voiceover.
Was the call taker helpful? Jane helped me admirably. Where are they? Oldbury, West Midlands.
Overall satisfaction? A mixed bag, but the irritating voiceovers means lost points. 5/10
POP SONGS AND GOOD ADVICE
EASYJET
Ease of finding number? There’s nothing obvious on the homepage of the airline’s website. I try the Help & Info page without luck so finally type ‘phone number’ into the website’s search bar. Two more clicks and I’m there. Buttons pressed? Two. How long to get through to a human? Seven minutes, 18 seconds.
Music: Pop hits — Rag ’n’ Bone Man’s Human and Clean Bandit’s Rockabye. I’m almost enjoying this.
Voiceovers? Infrequent. A woman reminds me most customer questions can be answered online.
Was the call taker helpful? Yes. She had to look up answers to my questions, but was quick, friendly and efficient.
Where are they? Cape Town, South Africa.
Overall satisfaction? It was difficult to find a number and I spent too long on hold. 5/10
A LONG WAIT — BUT THEY CALLED BACK
SPARK ENERGY
Ease of finding number? Very. A ‘get in touch’ button with a picture of a telephone at the top of the website takes you to the right numbers. Buttons pressed? None. How long to get through to a human? Thirteen minutes.
Music? Five seconds of terrible guitar playing sandwiched inbetween non-stop voiceovers.
Voiceovers? Long and rambling, a friendly woman apologises and directs me online to update a meter reading or pay a bill.
Was the call taker helpful? Yes, cheerful about switching providers and costings. He offered someone from the eco-friendly team to call me back and go through the firm’s fuel mix in more detail. Where are they? Selkirk, Borders. Overall satisfaction? Thirteen minutes made this a long wait time but everything else was good. 7/10
TOO MUCH TALKING TO A ROBOT
HMRC
Ease of finding number? A link at the bottom of the homepage offers to take you to a ‘contact form’.
Buttons pressed? An automated voice asks me five questions but still can’t direct me to the right place. I was advised to look online, before being put on hold. How long to get through to a human? Eight minutes, 20 seconds. Music? Jazz lounge stuff. Repeated and repeated.
Voiceovers? Frequent: the same woman reminding me an adviser will be with me shortly.
Was the call taker helpful? Yep, Michael sounded like he’d had a long night, but knew his stuff and gave good advice. Where are they? Sutherland. Overall satisfaction? The robot couldn’t help me. 4/10
STUPIDLY HARD TO FIND A NUMBER
BT
Ease of finding number? There’s a tiny ‘contact BT’ option at the bottom of the homepage. From there it’s four clicks to a number.
Buttons pressed? None, I speak to an automated voice that directs me to the wrong department. How long to get through to a
human? One minute, six seconds — but four minutes, 30 seconds before I speak to someone. Music? Cheesy ‘chill-out’ music, but it had the opposite effect. Voiceovers? No voiceover. Was the call taker helpful? Hamish was cheerful with a strong accent — I misunderstood one thing he said. Where are they? Dundee. Overall satisfaction: OK. 7/10