A father’s love – and the reason my sister is Gordon
IF Christmas is the festival that celebrates connection and carbohydrates, and Burns Night marks out who really knows the words to Auld Lang Syne while using up the nation’s excess turnip, then what about Father’s Day?
It is the perfect opportunity to find out how minimum alcohol pricing has hit up bottles of whisky, and reflect on the things I’ve learnt from my dad.
1. BE ADAPTABLE
My dad grew up in a predominantly male household, then spent the rest of his life in a household that has been largely female, including all the dogs and hamsters. He was not entirely prepared for this. For instance, he was pretty confident that his second child would be a boy, which is why Fiona’s middle name is Gordon. This brings us to the second thing my dad taught me…
2. DON’T WASTE STUFF
I once saw a picture of President Obama and his family struggling through a walking tour of Havana in the pouring rain. Basically, the former president is like my dad, and all Scottish dads, when it comes to holidays: if he paid for the non-refundable tour, you’re going on that non-refundable tour.
3. HAVE A GO
If you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, try to find some relatable terrain, and get stuck in anyway. My dad has never played hockey, so his advice to me was to wait until the referee was looking elsewhere, then use the stick thing to hook the legs out from under the opposition’s main goal scorer. This made a lot more sense after seeing Clyde play Partick Thistle.
4. DON’T BE EMBARRASSED
This doesn’t apply to every situation – eg, sarongs – but it certainly works when returning impulse buys and shonky goods to shops. Failing that, get your dad to take the offending item back for you. If you’re lucky, he will also convey your indignation. ‘The heel on this snapped on the first try,’ he once boomed at an assistant, tossing a pair of size 5 stilettos on to the counter at River Island.
5. STICK TO YOUR GUNS
Despite eyerolling, my father makes no bones that he likes to watch BBC Four or Yesterday sending Nazi agitators into Austria and running rings around Chancellor von Donnerundblitzen at least once a week. This is his Strictly Come Dancing. Except he loves Strictly, too.
6. NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED, BE THOUGHTFUL
For my mother’s birthday, my dad took her out for dinner and a play, despite viewing restaurants with the same suspicion that church elders have for white witches. And by some miracle the play wasn’t about football or the Second World War.
7 YOU CAN’T HOARD TIME
You just have to make the most of what you have. Growing up, you can take parents for granted because their love is all you know – although, like a lot of Scots, my family can be a bit rubbish at expressing our feelings.
I have to confess that this column is one way to tell my dad that I love him. I hope he knows.
And this Father’s Day, the best thing you can give your dad today is precious time together.
Unless you still live with him, in which case he just wants you to move out.