Are children as young as 11 really capable of making life-changing decisions about their gender?
Nine young people who all share a remarkable bond going to a prom. Their stories raise one of the most controversial questions of our age
One of the most controversial and emotive issues of our age is the growing number of children and young people who feel they were born the wrong gender, or who are gender-fluid (someone who doesn’t feel they have a fixed gender).
While many believe children as young as 11 are too young to know their minds while their bodies are still developing, the charity Mermaids, which advises schools and the nHS, says it has taken more than 5,900 queries on its helpline and email service, many from children and young people needing help exploring their gender.
It is an issue that has divided many families. This year, Mermaids has organised a prom for those aged 11 to 19 who have sought its help. We speak to nine participants, with their parents’ permission . . . MuM and Dad split up 14 years ago, but she and nan have always been accepting. I don’t know where I’d be without them.
I liked to dress in princess outfits from the age of about two, and I was six when Mum let me experiment wearing girls’ clothes. She never said: ‘You can’t wear that.’
I knew I wanted to be called ‘she’ from a very early age. But I went to a school where most of the pupils were boys and I was the first transgender pupil. I thought I’d get my lights punched out when I grew my hair. Bullies threw water over me and left me out of conversations, and I’d go home crying.
I’d get panicky if a teacher called me ‘he’, so Mum went in and said: ‘Can you refer to Keaton as “she”?’ which was a massive relief. Although the school was supportive, I couldn’t wait to leave and take a hair and beauty course.
I started taking hormone-blockers in 2015, which stopped my puberty. It was amazing to know I could start transitioning and say: ‘I’m a girl. I can be who I want to be.’
The prom was great because I made lots of friends who know what I’ve been through. I’d never met another trans person before. Lots of people said they loved my dress and a few cried — happy tears — when they saw me in it.
I wore glittery silver shoes and danced all night. My feet were still killing me the Monday after! IT WAS so liberating to go to the prom and wear what I wanted, knowing no one would care.
We were united by a shared experience so we could be ourselves, which was brilliant.
nobody ridiculed anyone for being different. We didn’t have to apologise for being ourselves.
At primary and secondary schools I was laughed at. Puberty felt wrong. I was very unhappy; I’ve tried to kill myself many times.
I felt my breasts were a useless encumbrance — I still do.
I didn’t go to my high school prom as I didn’t really have any friends in my year, but everyone felt like a friend at this prom.
I realised I was trans after going on the internet. I made a friend — the only person I could ask questions — when I was about 12 and asked: ‘Why do I feel like this?’
My parents are Christians and it was terrifying wondering if they’d
support me when I came out. A man had been thrown out of the church we went to at the time just for being gay. I had made up my mind that I would leave home immediately if my parents weren’t sympathetic.
It took me ages to build up the courage to talk to them, but when I did they were incredibly supportive and it was a weight off my mind.
nobody at sixth form college cares that I’m trans and that’s good. When I told one of my sisters she said: ‘That’s great, but you’re still not getting the TV remote.’ AS A Young child I took part in a fancy dress parade in Italy. I was forced to wear a bikini and a stuffed bra, which made me cry. When I was six, I went to a girl’s birthday party where everyone was putting on make-up. I was so terrified I hid so I didn’t have to join in.
So it was lovely to dress up in a dinner jacket and bow tie for the prom and be who I really am with people who understand exactly the difficulties I’ve experienced.
I was four when I started desperately wanting to be a boy, but I’d push the thoughts to the back of my mind. I refused to wear a bra even when my chest developed.
I started learning about trans people when I was 11. one night, I saw a magician on TV — I remember wanting to wear a suit like his and it occurred to me that I was trans. But I’d been raised thinking that it was taboo, so it was hard finding the nerve to tell my parents.
I’d been looking on online forums, talking to people about how to come out for months. My parents didn’t react well. They saw being
trans as a choice, and not a good one. I was told I would always be female and should accept it, even though it made me feel physically sick. I got depressed and fell into a really bad state.
but gradually Mum and Dad came round. Mum started using the ‘he’ pronoun and Dad started calling me Michael.
I had to get my parents’ consent to go to the gender identity clinic and they both came with me.
reluctantly they agreed that I could have hormone-blockers, which I started at 14. They’re quite accepting of the situation now. I WaS terrified my relationship with Mum would change when I came out, so for a long while I repressed it. I became depressed and suicidal. Then my parents found out I was using the name cat on social media.
Mum is a christian. When I told her she said it was the biggest mistake of my life; that it was a phase. Then she completely shut down. I felt she hated me.
This made me even more depressed. I started self-harming. I was so bound up in my own feelings that I didn’t consider what it was like for her.
She was finding it really hard to reconcile it with her faith and was encountering transphobia in her church. I explained it was about my gender, not my sexuality.
To start with I had thought I was gay — and so did she. Then I learnt about transgender and it fitted with everything I felt.
This year, it’s started to get better. Mum is listening and is really accepting. She’s apologised over and over again and I feel lucky to have her unconditional love. She fully accepts me as catherine and says she is proud of me.
We go clothes shopping together now. I’m going to a transgender group and getting hormoneblockers, and I’m really excited.
Dad is catching up too, and we’re more comfortable as a family. Mum and Dad have learned being trans is not a choice, but who I am.
The prom was really exciting; being with lots of people who understood exactly what I’ve gone through has been fantastic. THe prom was awesome because I could be myself and fit in. I just got up and danced with everyone I met. I didn’t get to bed until 4am! Since I was nine or ten I felt I didn’t fit my gender. I hated dresses and always wore jeans. I was hysterical at the thought of starting female puberty.
In school, I wore sports bras, tried binding my chest with bandages and cut my hair short. People started saying: ‘are you a boy or girl? You’re weird.’
Then, when I was 12, I realised what transgender was. It was a massive relief to know. but I still had my body to worry about.
on the day I told Mum, it was a blur. She was confused, but said: ‘I love you, no matter what.’ She helped me tell Dad.
Next year, I hope to be on testosterone. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. at sixth form, not one person in my study group is uncomfortable with me, but some are curious.
a little girl in Year 8 asked: ‘are you a boy or girl?’ and I said: ‘I’m a trans boy. My brain is a boy and my body is feminine.’ I melted because she was so cute.
She said: ‘I’m going to tell my friends that, because I didn’t understand it before.’
That’s amazing. I like to educate people about transgender issues when I can.
WHeN I was 12 or so, I said to a friend: ‘I hate the fact I’m a girl. Why can’t I be a boy?’
She said: ‘You know that’s not normal, don’t you?’
We looked it up and she asked: ‘Have you thought you might be transgender?’ I thought, I want to change my body. Yes, that’s me.
Puberty was horrible. I was repulsed by it. I feel my body’s not mine and I still get bad days when I don’t want to get up or go out.
That’s one reason the prom was so great: I didn’t have to worry about what my body looked like. everyone understood. I made lots of friends and we’ve had a group chat on a messaging app since.
I told my mum a year or so after I realised I was trans. I went through a hyper-feminine stage to try to get it to go away. I wore pink dresses and skirts.
It took me ages to tell Mum. When I did, she was so shocked she couldn’t speak. Then she hugged me and said she loved me no matter what. I was 13.
The main difficulty for Mum, I think, was changing the name she’d given me. She was constantly looking up names and saying: ‘Shall we have this or that?’
Then she took me out to get some new clothes and all my old girl ones went into the loft.
I went to my school prom and felt inhibited; worried that people thought I was weird. at this prom I was completely comfortable. I USeD to drop stones into the well in our garden and wish I was a girl. I didn’t think anyone would believe me if I talked about it. I was pleased when I was four, and Mum bought me a doll at a fair.
I didn’t want to wear trousers, so I asked to wear shorts because they looked more like a skirt, and I even wore them in the winter.
I’ve always liked knitting, singing and dancing, and I got teased by some people at school. The girly girls didn’t want me around; nor did the boys, and I felt very sad.
I transitioned socially when I was nine. all my friends and teachers supported me, and I felt like a bird that had been freed from its cage and was learning to sing.
I wore girls’ clothes all the time after that, and Mum never called me by my old name, louis, again. I was always Poppy.
My gran made me a cross-stitch baby sampler when I was born with my old name on it. I was going to put it in the loft, but she said she’d change it. So she’s unpicked the old letters and put Poppy amelia on it. We’ve got it on the wall.
Dad, who is Muslim, didn’t understand about trans to start with, which made me sad. but it didn’t take him long to be happy that I’m Poppy. Now he gets the knots out of my hair and relaxes it for me.
I love sparkly things, so dressing up for the prom was really fun and I got loads of compliments about my dress. I loved it! MY ScHool is very accepting and inclusive and I’m very happy there. I have a great group of friends who are very supportive. I’ve known from a young age that I was different and, as I have a close relationship with my family, I felt confident to tell my parents.
My journey has been exciting and I’ve met lots of interesting people along the way. It was very exciting being involved with something as positive as the prom.
everyone was dressed up and looking great. I had a really great time and met loads of new friends, and I was able to be myself.
I didn’t want it to end. I came away with some great photos and lovely memories. IF I coUlD, I’d change myself so I didn’t have a gender, but I don’t think that’s possible.
I don’t feel either like a boy or girl. It’s complicated to describe, but I’d say I would like my body to be freeze-framed at a time before puberty, so no one would know if I was male or female.
I used to be very wild and sporty. I liked physical activities: climbing, walking, swimming.
My Dad, who is cypriot, calls me ‘chakos’, which means ‘mate’, and we go fishing and hunting which makes me feel like a child again.
I’ve always been called ‘weird’ by classmates and I’ve never been a girly girl.
I suppose I think if I dress in more masculine clothes, people won’t notice my gender as much.
When I hit puberty and couldn’t go to the beach without my top on I felt depressed. I’d like to look more androgynous.
It was a light-bulb moment when I learnt what non-binary is. I had been self-harming, but I felt better when I had found a word to describe myself.
I wore a dress for the prom, which was very unusual — I haven’t worn girly clothes for about three years — but I knew I wouldn’t be judged or labelled there, and it was great because everyone accepted that I wasn’t ‘she’ or ‘he’, just myself.