Should I reveal my sister’s dark secret?

DEAR BEL, MY SISTER had an affair with a married man who said he’d leave his wife, but never did.

Over 30 years ago she had his child, whom she brought up alone. The man’s wife passed away two years ago and my sister got in touch to offer condolences — and they are now seeing each other again.

Time and time again, my sister has promised she would tell her son who his father is — but still fails to do so, saying the time is not right. Meanwhile, he thinks this man is just his mum’s boyfriend. Knowing what I do, I feel deceitful. She has protected this man and his family with her silence, even giving her son her maiden name.

Now the man’s three daughters have found out he’s seeing someone and demanded he not have another woman in their family home. Of course, they know nothing about the affair. My sister gets belligerent when I suggest she tells the truth to her son.

I just want to achieve some peace of mind for her and honesty as a family. There is a lot more I could say, but what do you suggest? HILARY

Dark secrets within a family usually fester, until at last there is no cure. If that sounds pessimistic, it’s because I know something about this at first hand — know how in the end it becomes impossible to tell the truth, until one day it comes out (some way or other) and causes heartache.

and all the years when people might have talked to each other, shared consolation, come to terms with everything, are wasted. Irretrievable.

You will gather that I think your sister has been wrong to keep her secret all this time — but not (perhaps) as wrong as her chap, who deceived his wife and daughters.

It takes little imagination to see why it all happened. Your sister was obviously deeply in love — and so was he. Why else would they have come back together now? When people love where they shouldn’t, deceit is inevitable. This situation is as old as humanity.

But while I try to avoid passing judgment unless people are being hurt, here people are being hurt, and will be damaged much more the longer your sister keeps her secret.

You say she ‘protected this man and his family with her silence’ and some might consider that quite self-sacrificing. But this mother has also sacrificed her son on the altar of her forbidden love. It’s hard to know how she can look him in the face when her ‘fatherless’ son cheerily greets the man who is actually Dad.

Of course, the man’s daughters have absolutely no right to dictate whether or not he has a new lady in his life.

So far so bad... but imagine how they would respond if they knew the truth. It doesn’t bear thinking of. Their hurt and anger would be catastrophic… and yet they have a half-brother, and he might like to have siblings.

This is like the convoluted plot of a novel or a film you just know will end in tears.

You ask what I suggest — and I’m pulling my hair here. I see no happy outcome, I’m afraid, but seriously advise you to keep your counsel.

It is not your place to decide how your sister will achieve ‘peace of mind’ and the longed-for ‘honesty’ could destroy everybody. The only people who can decide what to do are (obviously) your sister and her lover — and if they choose to take their secret to the grave, then so be it.

I recognise the sincerity of your anguish that your nephew is being so deceived by his parents, but in the end this cannot be about your feelings. Or the truth. It is a timelessly sad story of messy, sinful humanity — and I have no remedy for it.