He cheated on his first wife, will he do the same to me?
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
FOUR months ago, I met a lovely new man online. We are both divorced and in our 60s. I’m falling for him already. However, I found out last week that he’s actually been divorced twice and that he left his first wife for his second!
I didn’t ask for too many details, but I get the impression he was unfaithful while still married. This news has really shocked me. I left our dinner feeling uneasy and haven’t been able to shake it since.
I understand that people make mistakes, and also that people change — this was a long time ago, after all. But it’s altered the way I see him.
I’m very against cheating and just the idea of it has damaged my trust in him. I also resent the fact he didn’t tell me sooner. What if he leaves me, too, for a younger model later down the line? I’m really worried. What should I do?
STEPH:
Umm ... You did say you’re both in your 60s, right? I did read that correctly? Well, what on earth do you expect? He’s in his seventh decade! Of course he’s been married before. Thank heavens he’s been married before! Believe me, the last thing you want is an eternal bachelor — read commitment-phobe — who’s never found anyone quite good enough to marry.
Two marriages is really quite normal these days. It’s not exactly a huge, long list of women, is it?
The fact that he told you — over dinner, no less — is the salient point here. Unprompted, he told you the truth. He’s given it to you warts and all. If I were you, I’d be very pleased about that.
Obviously an affair is never good, but you don’t know the details. There may well have been mitigating circumstances. He may have been desperately unhappy with his first wife. For all you know, she might have been awful.
And, here’s the thing, it’s a fairly normal progression. When it comes to matters of the heart, men are very weak. They hate breaking up with people and tend to line up a replacement before they leave. We might not like it, but it’s true. Wife number two is generally in the wings before number one is given the push.
It seems like you want some kind of binding promise from him that you’ll definitely pop your clogs together, but there’s no guarantee in any relationship that we stay together for ever. Especially in our autumn years.
I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you’re reacting in such a strong way.
If it’s the fact he once had an affair that’s bothering you, you are overlooking the fact he married his mistress, so there were clearly deep feelings involved. It wasn’t exactly a fling, was it?
I wonder whether this might have something to do with your own past, as opposed to his. You’re divorced and I wonder if your ex-husband might have been less than faithful? If so, I understand your anguish, but you must realise that this is your own personal issue and you’re projecting it onto your new man. I can hear the vulnerability in your letter and I get that you’re feeling insecure.
Of course, it’s very difficult to open yourself up to a potential new hurt, but you must do so. You have to free yourself from your past to be able to enjoy your present — and your future.
If I were you I’d do some soulsearching. Then, if you really think the problem is with him and he’s a serial cheat, talk to him about it and ask him what you want to know. But make sure first that it is actually about him — remember, don’t scratch the itch until you know where you’ve been bitten!
DOM: I’m so pleased you’ve finally met someone you feel might be right for you, but I’m sorry you’ve encountered a trust issue at such an early stage. First things first, it is indeed possible that he hasn’t changed at all and that he will go on to leave you for another woman, but before you panic I’d find out what actually happened. Maybe he was young and foolish when he first married. When he met his second wife — whatever the circumstances — he may well have truly believed he’d found the real thing. Of course, as the saying goes, when you marry your mistress you create a vacancy, but it’s entirely possible that this is not the case with your new chap. He’s in his 60s, and really, let’s be honest, at that age surely he’s not going to summon up the energy to waltz off with a younger model. Speaking personally, if for some hideous reason I found myself single now I’d be appalled, and I don’t think I’d be bothered with dating and the rest of it. We do all slow down a bit, you know. So, I’d have a no-holds-barred conversation with him and ask him to tell you the whole story. If what he tells you makes you smell a rat — or a Lothario — then cut and run. It’ll hurt, but not too much. It’s only been four months, after all. However, if his answers to your questions don’t horrify you, then remember, few of us get many chances at love. It’s still early days. He may well have thought if he told you all his vices, you might run off. If we all sat down and told each other everything — and I mean everything — at the start then we’d probably all still be single! In fact, there are certain discussions about my past, and my wife’s past, that we have never felt the need to address. Past love lives are exactly that — past. We have never felt the need, or seen the benefit, in going there in detail. I want to tell you about someone I know who married his third wife at 68. They were very deeply in love and he was blissfully happy with her until he died at 86. It was third time lucky for him. This might be the same for your new bloke. Don’t spoil your chances.