Why can’t my serial cheat husband just adore ME?

DEAR BEL

I’M 54, my husband is 61. We’ve been married almost 25 years and I discovered only six months ago that he started seeing an ex-girlfriend barely two months after we began. That relationship continued for more than 13 years. Although at times I suspected, he furiously denied it, so I let it go.

His latest affair began more than four years ago when a passenger on his bus handed him her phone number, saying: ‘Ring if you are interested.’ What decent, respectable woman does that? She’s been married for about 30 years.

Like a fool, he phoned her without a second thought for me, then started visiting her a couple of times a week. I knew he was cheating because he was like a lovesick schoolboy.

At first he denied the affair, then promised to end it. But he didn’t.

He recently admitted both of them were excited by the fact I knew about it. Isn’t that warped? How could they enjoy causing heartache? He admits he’s in love — even obsessed.

I left him two months ago and now live alone, ten miles away. His lover lives in his town.

In spite of still loving him, I’ve decided to see a solicitor.

During our marriage we had sex only a couple of times a year. I thought he was gay or had erectile dysfunction. What a fool! He just didn’t want me.

I’m thankful for our wonderful three children — all kind, welladjusted people — and two grandchildren. In some ways I’ve been very lucky, but the lonely marriage is an unbearable sadness. I know he’s a bad lot, but I’m very much in love with him.

I still hope he’ll realise what a prize I was.

I devoted myself to him and our

Your letter made me very sad — not just because you have been deceived so often and been so hurt, but also because you still love the man who did it.

I’m sure there are many women who will identify with your situation, but perhaps more who would like to give you a little shake.

Many of us have been hurt — and some of us have dished out the hurt, too. But this is an inevitable part of human experience.

The big question is, how long can a man or woman endure being hurt? There comes a point when perhaps they are staying in the marriage as much for convenience and/or status as for love. There is also the terror of being alone — which (I know from readers’ letters) is enormous.

But in your case you stayed because you loved — and still love — a man you describe as ‘a bad lot’.

He has lied to you for nearly 25 years, and yet you would have him back in a heartbeat.

You must have realised ages ago that you would never change him — and yet you are still hoping that ‘he’ll realise what a prize I was’.

In spite of everything that has happened and the contempt he has shown for you and for his family, you yearn to grow old with him.

Honestly, it amazes me! It really is time for you to put your feelings under a microscope.

The serial cheat is often aided and abetted in his/her behaviour family and was always loyal and faithful. Why did he stay if he wanted other women? How could he betray me so often?

Even now, I want us to get back together and be happy; to grow old and grey together.

Will he ever wake up and see what he has lost? Have I been a complete fool and doormat?

I will see the solicitor about a divorce but, really, that’s not what I want.

My head says get divorced. My heart says try to get him away from his obsession with the other woman. Why can’t he adore me? GINNY by a compliant partner. You ask why he stayed when ‘he wanted other women’. Well, because you were the willing skivvy who raised the children, kept house and let him do what he wanted.

Was this ‘love’ on your part — or sheer masochism? What exactly is it you still ‘love’ about this man — the certain knowledge that if you got back together he would be likely to turn into a tireless old lech until the day he lost his mojo, and then you’d be useful for ministering to his elderly needs?

I know that sounds tough, but if you are to move forward and reclaim your own life, you have to be clear-eyed.

Your desperate wish that he would ‘adore’ you is pointless — and you must see that.

For the sake of your dignity, you must make that appointment with a solicitor that you have been putting off and face the facts of your marriage.

At 54, you have plenty of years ahead to create a new life, to spend time with your beloved family, to make new friends.

I hope the ‘doormat’ will rise from beneath the feet of her oppressor — and become transformed into a flying carpet.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 20 Waterloo Street, Glasgow G2 6DB, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.