My son is dying but his wife won’t let me see him

DEAR BEL, MY FIRST marriage (at 18) was a mistake, but I became pregnant in quick succession with my eldest son, then twin boys. The marriage broke up after only four years, but with the help of my super parents I was able to train and qualify as a nurse.

After eight years on my own with the boys, I married a wonderful man. That’s the background.

My eldest son (now 52) lives abroad, but we’re in regular contact and I see him often. The twins’ lives have been complicated: they’re identical but absolutely chalk and cheese in character. Now 51, they’ve always been competitive and not in the best way.

Both have very good jobs; however, one twin has just divorced for the fourth time! That, as you can imagine, is a story in itself.

He has four children from two of the marriages, loves them equally, but is estranged from the eldest two. His life has been a major problem to his twin (No 2) and they have been estranged for just over a year.

This second twin’s wife has been very vocal in her condemnation and is totally opposed at any rapprochement, even though twin number one really wants it.

Now for my problem. My second twin (who has two wonderful daughters) was diagnosed with cancer in 2013 and — to cut a long, painful story short — the situation is now very bad. He has been extremely brave, strong and determined. My husband and I visited the hospital every day and gave his wife some lifts, as she doesn’t drive.

Now, to try to lighten the doom and gloom, my husband and I had a T-shirt printed with a ‘humorous’ caption involving the name of the special procedure he had just had.

My son loved it, the nurses and his surgeon thought it ‘great’ and many asked to take a photo of it. However, my daughter-in-law took great offence at the joke. She has told me that now he is home, I am not to visit — because I am no longer welcome.

I asked if we could talk and try to resolve things, but had a flat refusal. In a text, she actually called me hideous. My son is aware of what’s gone on, but is not strong enough to help put matters right.

At this difficult time in all our lives, I feel his wife should be trying to help maintain harmony. My son’s illness is terminal. I now feel I have no option to butt out, rather than add more stress. It means I will probably lose contact with my beloved granddaughters.

I feel so dreadfully hurt, but my son needs his energy spent on recovery, not warring women. Please can you offer me any words of comfort? ANITA

Sthis is such a sad story, but forgive me for saying this — even in your heartfelt email you strike a discordant note when you justify the t-shirt by writing ‘to try to lighten the doom and gloom’.

I know you, the loving mother, mean no harm by that trite phrase, but I ask you to understand that when a man is dying, there’s not much going on except ‘doom and gloom’ and — never mind the smiles of strangers — your inappropriate, jokey t-shirt must have shocked your daughter-in-law.

I omit all details of your son’s specific diagnosis, treatment and the spread of the cancer; suffice it to say that the past five years have been utter hell and she must be miserable, exhausted and absolutely terrified. Well-meant flippancy is the last thing she needs.

It sounds as though you want me to think her unreasonably confrontational. that’s why you reveal she was obstructive concerning any rapprochement — the implication being that she disapproves of your other twin’s divorces/lifestyle.

It may well be true that she has a rather firm, unforgiving personality. (Mind you, I’d love to know whether she actually called you ‘hideous’ or if she was referring to the tasteless t-shirt as hideous.) In truth, you tand-up comedians know a joke that misfires can be embarrassing (a room flattens into silence) or toxic (people walk out in hurt and rage).

probably experienced little irritations long before your son’s illness: perfectly normal mother/ daughter-in-law stress, and not your fault.

But much as I sympathise with you — and I really do — I’d like to point out something else in your email: ‘At this difficult time in all our lives, I feel his wife should be trying to help maintain harmony.’ Yes, it would indeed be marvellous if this sad, tired, difficult woman could turn herself into that saint.

But suppose she, in turn, had written this to me: ‘At this difficult time in our lives, I feel his mother should be trying to understand what I’m going through and help maintain harmony.’ Would she be right? I’m afraid she would.

I can see both sides of this sad quarrel, which is (as you say) the last thing the family needs at a time like this. But I think you have to be the ‘grown-up’.

You asked me for ‘words of comfort’ — and I realise I’m not giving them. But I simply cannot take sides against the woman whose husband is dying by glibly comforting the one whose son is dying. You are both ‘hurt’ — and angry, as well as grieving for the same beloved man. So please act.

Have you told her you know the wretched T-shirt was a mistake — and apologised properly? Is there someone who can mediate? Your eldest son could be helpful, so have you told him?

Does the first twin know how ill his brother is? If those beloved granddaughters are old enough to have views of their own, why do you assume you will ‘probably lose contact’? Anyway, who is helping them through their father’s terminal illness?

Questions are better than indignation. You were once a devoted young, single mother to three boys and, with the help of wonderful parents, you gave them maximum love and attention. Now you are a devoted mother and grandmother who most certainly must not ‘butt out’ — but step forward, offering love and strength which will be needed in the dark days ahead.