Go on a charm offensive with the ex
STEPH SAYS:
I rEallY feel for you. You’ve been engaged for three years and I’m sure you felt bedded in and settled. Everything probably felt totally hunky-dory. I’m sorry that you’re now all at sea.
I have to say, I feel a little uneasy about the way that your fiancee found herself back in touch with her ex. I wonder whether she saw the death of her former ‘mother-in-law’ as an opportunity to open the door again. Of course, it could be perfectly innocent, but it could also be a little sneaky.
The circumstances of their reunion were such that you couldn’t really say anything about it. In the aftermath of a death, you have no choice but to be respectful of grief — you couldn’t act in the way that you might normally if told your fiancee’s ex was coming to stay with her for a few days.
It would be entirely normal for you to get the collywobbles about that — but there is no normal in grief and you did the right thing by respecting that.
You need to continue to be respectful, as your partner is not hiding the current situation. Everything is out in the open. This is either because she doesn’t feel anything is wrong or she’s trying to force the issue.
This is very hard for you. as you rightly said, this man is the father of your partner’s son. however much you might wish it, you can’t expect him not to be in her life. So I think you have two options. The first would be to go on a charm offensive with him. I would put yourself firmly in the picture. When they talk on the phone, plonk yourself down on the sofa and join in in the background. I’d invite him over for Sunday lunch. Wish him a Merry Christmas.
In short, I’d make him an ally. Don’t show him that you feel threatened. he’ll feel totally awkward and, with a bit of luck, will back off.
Your second option is to have a showdown with your partner. Tell your fiancee she’s playing with fire and it’s making you unhappy. But remember that you can never draw a line in the sand in anybody’s life.
You may well be right about her ex, and it may not end well, but you mustn’t be controlling. She won’t — and shouldn’t — accept that.
So I’d lean towards the former. rescue the situation by involving him in your life, too. Stop it from turning into the illicit relationship it is in danger of becoming.