LITTLEJOHN

ON TUESDAY, I predicted it was only a matter of time before Home Secretary, and would-be Prime Minister, Sajid Javid turned up to be photographed on the prow of a Border Patrol vessel, in full hi-viz rig. Almost right. He appeared on the bridge of a cutter, dressed not in hi-viz but in a business-like blue Crombie overcoat, after belatedly calling in the Navy and getting into an immediate slanging match with Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson about who was going to pay for the operation. Unkind, and unnamed, Cabinet rivals are already whispering that Javid has lost the plot and started referring to himself as ‘The Sajid’. Speaking in the third person is always a bad sign. As if we haven’t got enough problems with Iranians and Afghans steaming across the Channel, it appears other invaders are causing havoc on our shores. Asian Date Mussels have made their way to Europe from China, by attaching themselves to ships, and are now crossing to Britain from the Netherlands. They are posing a clear and present danger to native scallops and oysters. I wonder if the Asian Date Mussel, which has zebra-like markings, is a distant relation of the Depressed River Mussel, an old favourite of this column. And if that’s not bad enough, there are also reports that mutant terrapins imported from America — at the height of the Ninja Turtles craze — have been released into the wild and may be responsible for the deaths of more than 200 dogs. Apparently, the terrapins carry a flesheating bacteria that can prove fatal to other animals, especially labradors and setters. Perhaps once he’s secured the shipping lanes, The Sajid could turn his attention to the menace of mutant terrapins and Asian Date Mussels. How long before we see him in a Churchillian siren suit, cigar in hand, promising: ‘We shall fight them on the beaches . . .’