Ready to battle the Beast from the East

The first severe frosts of the coming apocalypse have smothered the rooftops and lawns with a crisp coating of white crystals. The fish have retreated to the bottom of the pond. Last night’s clear sky displayed all the star clusters. It heralds what we all know will follow. At some point the news will show gridlocked, snow-jammed motorways, isolated villages and rosy-cheeked children sledging down slopes in the parks, as we’re told that councils were totally caught out by the inclement weather. It’s a given fact, like taxes and lying politicians, but UK & Co. Ltd always gets caught out by the winter. some say the ‘Beast from the east’ is going to return, only with more vim and venom. surely this time functionaries at the country’s town halls will get off their backsides and prepare for the cataclysmic events that unfold every year? don’t hold your breath! Me? Well, sacks of rock salt are squirrelled away in the garage, the snow shovel has been retrieved from the shed and winter boots and my old wool-lined Army parka are dusted down and ready for immediate action. The gas camping stove, with spare canisters (just in case), is cleaned and ready for use, and an old Calor gas heater has been resurrected from a dusty corner — back-up for when the Russians shut off the gas supply. The only thing left is food stocks. This is where it gets tricky. I favour tins of soup; she insists on pasta. so a compromise has been made: it’s pasta. Water is not a problem, with three large rainwater butts in the garden. unlike the council, we are ready for the worst that the weather can throw at us. see you when the swallows return.

Tony Levy, Wednesfield, W. Mids.