Like a shark on Blue Planet, TV art judge Daphne’s bite is lethal
THE other morning I found myself idly watching, on some Freeview channel called Gold Classic Food Catch-up Plus One, a repeat from the first series of Bake Off — and was struck by how deferential Paul Hollywood seemed.
there was no swagger, no thumbs in pockets or ostentatious handshake. He was there to supply some professional credentials, and nod respectfully while food expert Mary Berry gave her verdict.
How were we to guess about the affairs and the racing cars that would follow, and the blizzard of paparazzi pictures?
the ones to watch, then, on Celebrity Painting Challenge (BBC1), are the unknown judges. and, by golly, there’s enough of them. Portrait artist Daphne todd and art professor Lachlan Goudie are to the fore, but there’s also Diana and Pascal, the ‘mentors’, not to mention the endlessly selfsatisfied Mariella Frostrup and an army of the public all parading their knowledge and passing judgment on the eight novice artists.
For some reason, comedian russell Kane dropped by to offer an opinion, too. Perhaps the producers thought the show wasn’t cluttered and confused enough.
Daphne’s is the most distinctive voice, if by distinctive you mean savagely critical. all of the celebs are amateur painters at best, and none of them apart from Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has much experience (or, let’s be frank, talent). Daphne lunges into them like a shark showing off for the Blue Planet cameras. Munch! Chomp! Snick-snick-snick-gulp!
While the tactful Lachlan was murmuring platitudes about ‘learning lessons’, Daphne stood over one picture, by tV presenter Josie d’arby, and pronounced it ‘really boring’. Laurence was told he had ‘a surprising lack of understanding of colour’ — he tried to take it well, but boy, did his goatee bristle.
and when Duran Duran daughter amber Le Bon whispered that she felt ‘half proud’ of her attempt at landscape art, Daphne declared: ‘I sort of feel it’s an unmitigated disaster.’ as amber sank into the floor, she added: ‘What you need is confidence.’
the ineffably pompous Mariella hovers, with nothing to do but start and stop the challenges. She can’t just say: ‘OK, finish’ — she intones: ‘My presence means that time is up.’ the one man at ease amid it all is ex-cricketer and former I’m a Celebrity king of the jungle Phil tufnell.
He cracks jokes, laughs at himself and teases the others.
as a painter, you wouldn’t trust him to do your skirting boards, but as a full-time telly personality he is the business. He reminds me of a youngish Len Goodman — come to think of it, Phil could replace Darcey on Strictly.
there were no judges on Naked Beach (C4). Perish the thought — this was a show about ‘positive body image’ and being comfortable in your own skin.
Only an irredeemable cynic could suppose it was just another format devised to feed the obsessive appetite of Channel 4 execs for boobs and bums. Since this aired before the watershed, most of the naughty bits were covered up with thongs and glitter paint, parading around a hillside villa with an infinity pool in Greece.
the underlying concept had some value, to encourage young people to stop comparing themselves to airbrushed ideal physiques on social media.
But it all felt drearily joyless and scripted. twentysomethings Kay, Elysia and Darryl all claimed to ‘hate their bodies’, but they were immediately happy to strip off in front of mirrors and chat to the cameras.
Surely they weren’t just doing it for the free hol?