I get no help caring for our father

DEAR BEL,

I’M 64. For about 20 years I’ve been in a caring situation with my parents — returning at weekends, shopping and cooking dinners. I haven’t visited my own home for three years because I can’t leave my father alone overnight.

What approach should I use with my brother, his wife and Dad’s three grandchildren who claim to be ‘supportive’, saying, ‘Well, all you’ve got to do is pick up the phone and ask us for help?’

When asked, they either haven’t turned up or bothered to ring to say they’re running late. Now I don’t ask — and they say it’s my fault I have no one to help as I’m ‘pushing them away’.

They tell me, ‘on my head be it’ if I continue with my ‘behaviour’. I don’t know what my ‘behaviour’ is. I listen out for my father at night, help him wash and dress, and often assist the carer who comes in three times a week. I try to keep house and provide a comfortable environment and nutritious, soft food.

I’ve invited the family over for dinner or lunch, kept it informal by saying that they can drop in on their way back from weekend jaunts, shopping trips or visits to the cinema. I make excuses to Dad for their lack of visits but know he’s aware.

It’s about three months since we last had a phone call from any of the grandchildren, and my father (92 this year) has only seen his great-grandson four times since he was born 18 months ago.

As the grandchildren are all in their 30s should I take the position that they should know a short phone call every couple of weeks would make Grandad’s day? Or should I just give up? How can I cope with this lack of support for Dad (let alone me)?

LYNDA

Many readers will identify with your problem because the statistics show more and more families will be facing situations similar to yours as the population ages.

But I’ll stop there. your father is not a ‘statistic’ — no more than my parents are mere numbers; these are beloved family members from a generation that worked hard, achieved so much, and are now owed maximum care and attention.

But let nobody say it’s easy. I understand your frustration with family members who seem less than attentive, because I’ve felt it myself.

The trouble is, it’s easy to express that frustration in an ‘iffy’, hectoring or selfrighteously reproachful way (me, not you) and that’s where the trouble starts. I’ve no doubt you think you have behaved well throughout; the trouble is, we can settle into patterns of behaviour over years which make us unaware.

Let’s suppose there is an argument for both sides. Just to be clear, you have my sympathy because I know how the sense of duty to — not to mention our affection for — elderly parents can become consuming. I’m assuming your mother died, after which you moved in to take care of your father.

as a daughter and a carer, you deserve the utmost praise. But could it be you have grown so used to being indispensible you have indeed ‘taken over’ — in such a way others do feel pushed out?

Sometimes, when a task is carried out for years by someone eminently capable (like you), it can have the effect of disabling those who might have helped in the beginning.

It doesn’t sound as if you have a family. your brother, on the other hand, has his wife, three children and now a grandchild — and is therefore only too glad to let his sister take over with Dad. This is not to make excuses, but to explain.

you wish the adult grandchildren thought about Grandad and picked up the phone. To be brutal, they probably won’t. Even though they should.

In my experience the young have to be reminded and nudged. But their parents are quite another matter. If I were you, I’d call your brother and say you want a good long chat about Dad.

Please don’t sound worried, tired, reproachful or officious. Just friendly. When you meet, I’d tell him you need to go to your house because there are various urgent problems (a boiler?) that must be sorted out.

Tell him you know you can leave the care of your father to him and his whole family for one week. If you are reluctant to try this it will suggest maybe you’ve become rather too dependent on the position you’re in. If he refuses, you’ll have hard evidence of selfishness.

He will only develop a habit of helping if you step back.