Give him the benefit of the doubt

Oh dear. You poor thing. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Your husband was just a few years older than me, so your letter has made me reflect on my own mortality.

My brother was 56 when we lost him, so I understand how much of a shock it is when someone dies at a young age.

You must be bewildered and exhausted. It’s no bad thing to keep in mind how high your emotions are running, for this is the wrong time to be dealing with something like this.

You should take a step back and realise you are jumping to conclusions. These may well be reasonable conclusions, but you don’t know that for sure.

and neither do your friends. They may think they’re being helpful in agreeing with your assumptions, but they know nothing more than you.

I’d book in with a counsellor. an impartial person may be more help than your closest friends as you work through this.

Under no circumstances should you confide in your children. They are already suffering. Please don’t make things worse for them. even if you had irrefutable evidence, they don’t need to know their father cheated.

But here’s the thing. You don’t have irrefutable evidence. What you have is a sheaf of receipts stuck away in an old file.

Just because you can’t remember the hotels and lunches, doesn’t mean your husband was having an affair. It means you can’t remember the hotels and lunches — they could well have been for business.

I don’t have the details, and if the hotels were either 200 yards from home or clearly not workrelated, then fine. But a hotel in Basingstoke and a few bills from a decent restaurant? It’s entirely possible his dinner companion was his old contact, Barry.

It is understandable that at such a difficult time you would make this kind of assumption. But I urge you to think back to your relationship. If you loved him and he loved you, then give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he was here, you would get him to explain himself. and there’s every possibility he would be able to. after all, why would he keep the receipts if they were incriminating?

he is never going to be able to allay your fears. But you can do so yourself. dwell on the happy times. Think back to the love you shared and leave this alone.

Unless the Other Woman pops up to confirm your suspicions, you can never be sure, so choose to settle your mind rather than torment yourself. Believe in your husband even if he’s not around to tell you that you should.