Dig out your shoulder pads, be brave!

YOu have my complete sympathy and admiration. You’ve been through a nasty divorce — one of life’s most disempowering and painful experiences — and it has left you badly scarred, and with the conviction that marriage is to be avoided.

It is an utter tragedy that women who are strong and powerful, women like you, can be reduced to rubble by an acrimonious split. I understand why you’re feeling so gun-shy.

One of the first things I suggest you do is to examine exactly why you feel like this. Look at what caused so much damage in your marriage, and also the parts when you were content.

You write you were single for more than a decade after your divorce. From that I am assuming you mean you were alone, as opposed to in relationships, but unmarried, in which case, there must be some deep scars.

You clearly cut yourself off emotionally after your divorce, deciding to have nothing more to do with love. While that is entirely understandable, a decade has now passed, and you have decided it is time to move on. That is a huge leap of faith, and I think it is vital to your personal healing that you acknowledge that step forward.

In order for you to have dropped your guard thus far, your new man must be Mr completely And utterly Fantastic Pants. You deserve to love him and be loved back. Dare yourself to embrace love. It is the most precious of gifts.

It’s clear to me that this chap has caught you by surprise, and you are frightened and conflicted. It’s normal and OK to be scared. I imagine your new man is, too!

So, here’s the plan: you need to know you are in control of this relationship and always will be. The next step is to share your fear with your chap. He has to know the grisly, hurtful ugliness of your marriage and its ending, warts and all, if he is to spend the rest of his life with you.

There is no shame in having your heart broken. It is not weakness to share your pain. It is the opposite. You are owning your truth and choosing to reveal it to a very special man.

Once you have told him, ask him to help you structure a future together which allows you to remain somewhat independent. Take the question of marriage off the table and start by moving in together.

You are a trained lawyer. You are a smart, strong woman, so dig out your shoulder pads and your power suit and channel your inner Joan collins. You have endured and survived so much — now it’s time for you to thrive.

STEPH SAYS: