Why not have a wonderful time in bed?

STEPH SAYS: You cared for your sick husband for 15 years — the last five with your home as his hospital. You tended to him with love, care and utter devotion.

You are the embodiment of selfless love. i respect you enormously for this.

You have done this all for the love you had for your husband. And you will have felt devastated when he died, as well as some degree of relief that his suffering was over.

Please also remember your suffering and pain throughout these years. You’re entitled to try to heal your wounded heart. i feel very strongly that you must allow yourself the right to feel a degree of freedom from any emotional responsibilities. However you do that, you must.

You may have been feeling a sense of guilt over your new experiences with your husband’s ex-carer but you really should not. And you must ignore the friend telling you that this is not acceptable behaviour from a grieving widow. she’s doing it because she feels she is protecting you, but you’re fully aware of what you’re doing and why.

For 15 years, you nursed a cancer patient, whom you loved with all your heart. the fact is, unless they’ve experienced it themselves, nobody will ever understand what it is to care for a terribly ill loved one. Equally, they will never understand the bond that can be forged between carer and family.

that relationship is incredibly deep, private and personal. Carers see you at your most vulnerable and at your worst. You have feelings of gratitude for their infinite kindness and dedication. it is entirely natural to develop strong feelings for them. And vice-versa.

You say that, initially, the two of you talked until the early hours. And this for me is key. How wonderful to talk with someone who knows you so well — and also to talk about the man you both knew so well, too! it is a huge emotional release for you. Your husband is not a taboo topic of conversation. What a wonderful gift.

You’ve both been on an intense journey together. You have my support and admiration for having forged an emotional and physical relationship from that.

But remember, if this doesn’t develop into a grand love affair, so be it. You are a lady with many experiences of life, and if this is just a fling to get you through your grief and pain, then that is what you must do. Your wonderful experience in bed is to be celebrated, not criticised.

You know you deserve to be happy. it’s time to allow yourself to be so.