Tread carefully -- show don’t tell

STEPH SAYS:

The very first thing that hit me when reading your letter was concern about the potential

source of your personal problem: your friend, who is banging on about her fabulous sex life.

By sharing all the ins and outs of her new relationship, she is, in effect, boasting to you — and it’s unlikely to be a truthful version of events.

So, with that in mind, are you really sure you’ve always felt dissatisfied with your own sex life? Are you certain you’re not rewriting history a smidge? Did you truly feel you were missing something when you first met your chap? Because usually when you first fall in love,

everything is wonderful. And if things do stall in the bedroom at the start, often the relationship simply doesn’t take off — the roots of a life together can struggle to take if you don’t have that depth of connection.

I say this simply to check that things haven’t just become a little stale and could do with some extra effort. And the reason

I ask you these questions is that I’m pretty sure this isn’t only about you — it’s very much about your friend and her tales of swinging from the chandeliers with her new man.

This bothers me, not only because I’m sure she’s exaggerating a little, but because I feel you’ve got a touch of the greeneyed monster. Comparisons are destructive for all involved. We should never compare ourselves with other women.

I think you should ask yourself what you define as disappointing in bed. You can measure this only against your own experiences. If you still find him lacking once you’ve asked yourself these difficult questions, then, yes, you have a problem.

But if he’s disappointing in comparison to what your friend is telling you, you need to take a step back and reconsider.

Assuming there is an issue, then communicate! Decide what you think is missing — being as specific as you can — and find a way to ask for it. We all have times when we communicate badly, and it is difficult to broach intimate subjects, so forgive yourself, and your partner, for not having done so thus far.

however, he may be more aware of this than you think. It’s difficult to hide that you’re unhappy with your sex life, so I’m surprised you think he is blissfully ignorant.

My money is on there being at least a tiny elephant in the room, so tread carefully here. And maybe show, don’t tell.

If you really love him, you’ll find a way to help him make you as happy physically as he does emotionally.