Sometimes it’s kind to lie a little

DOM SAYS:

Well, this is an interesting one. It’s a topic that one never wants to think about. I mean, your poor chap! And poor you! You really have got yourself into a predicament with this one, haven’t you?

I think the first thing to say is that you have lied with good intent. You didn’t set out to deceive your boyfriend.

It’s important to remember that you haven’t yet addressed this issue in order to spare his feelings, very much to your own detriment. And now you find yourself in a difficult situation.

Putting aside the delicate nature of the topic for a moment, I wouldn’t want to discover my partner had been lying to me for four years about anything!

It’s a long time, and keeping the truth to yourself like that does seem rather sad.

I suppose most of us might understand that there may have been occasional moments when it just seemed easier — and kinder — to fake it, but for four whole years?

This is not going to be an easy situation to resolve. I could give you practical tips — although I’d rather not. What I will say is that it’s been four long years, so you clearly don’t always do things in a hurry!

Perhaps adopting that leisurely approach in the bedroom might pay dividends.

After all, with sex, as with most things in life, the more preparation you do, the better the results.

That’s as far behind the bedroom door as I’m willing to venture, but in any case you need to deal with this elsewhere. This is a conversation that definitely shouldn’t take place in the heat of the moment.

You have two options: come clean and risk a red card, or find another approach.

You say you are very happy with this chap, so I suggest the latter option. I think you should tell him that things aren’t working any more.

The past is the past, there’s no point dredging it up. Tell him you are changing, your body is changing — you are getting older, after all — and that it didn’t work last time.

Most of us should be able to accept that there might be an occasional time when a partner decides the easiest — and kindest — route is to fake an ending to proceedings. Still, he will be mortified. I’d never want to think I was doing a good job when I wasn’t, so do be gentle.

Then, next time, take control. Give direction.

And remember that Rome wasn’t built in day. If you’re turning over a new leaf, give it time — just not four years!