Take her out and kill her with kindness
What an awful scenario you find yourself in. I don’t envy you in the slightest. the most important thing to remember here is that their relationship was not about you. It was about them, and they are no more. however, you, as a couple, endure. and you must remember that.
It seems to me there are four possible options. Following any of these paths would be understandable, but I feel some are more desirable than others.
the first option is to pack up immediately and waltz off to a professional competitor.
You say you are in a senior position and I’m sure you are sought-after. heading to a competitor firm — and excelling — might be a rather entertaining way of making yourself feel better about things.
Equally, there is absolutely no reason why you should feel forced out. You have done nothing wrong. If you love your job and were happy there before this woman arrived, then you should not feel compelled to flee.
Which brings me to option number two. You could tell your husband to change jobs. It is, after all, his mess and, if someone’s career is going to suffer, then it should be his.
that said, you write that you have managed to put the affair behind you and grow together as a couple, so punishing him now is hardly likely to help your relationship flourish. so I don’t really recommend this course of action, either.
the third way, if you are both staying put in the office, is to make life difficult for her. she is the cuckoo in the nest here and, while it may not be an admirable way to feel, I would understand entirely should you want to oust your husband’s former mistress from your sphere.
however, while I understand the depth of feeling, I think this is very unwise. When there is an affair, it is always the responsibility of the married party.
You don’t say if this woman is married or not, but if she is not, then the fault lies squarely at your husband’s feet, I’m afraid. Wreaking revenge on his mistress is not the way to go.
Which brings me to option number four — my preferred option. I think there’s something in the phrase ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. the thing to do here is to invite her to lunch and get her on side. Make an ally of her.
You both fell for the same man, so you must have some qualities in common. Why? Well, if she knows you, she’s far less likely to reignite things for a start! Put aside your murderous thoughts and kill her with kindness!