Drip, drip, drip... against this lot the Iceman won
KRISHNAN Guru-Murthy must have pulled the short straw at Channel 4 News last night – roped in to chair a climate change debate between party political leaders. I met Porsche-driving Mr Guru-Murthy once. Nice bloke, albeit one with the look of a guy hoping for someone more interesting to collar. He bore that same expression last night as he grilled Jeremy Corbyn, Jo Swinson, Green Party leader Sian Berry, Nicola Sturgeon and someone called Alan from Plaid Cymru. Or Adam, possibly, I’m afraid I never got round to checking.
Boris Johnson snubbed Mr Guru-Murthy in protest at the presence of Miss Sturgeon who is not standing to be an MP in this election. Instead, those puerile Channel 4 News bods commissioned an ice sculpture to stand in the PM’s place.
As such, the event had a Minor Counties feel to it. I’d wager a decent chunk of change that more people were tuning in watch You’ve Been Framed! on ITV2.
The set had a slightly prison-like feel – all steel bars and bright lights. Who on earth designs these things?
First, we got a heart-rending video of a koala bear being scorched during the recent Australian bush fires and the inevitable clip from Swedish schoolgirl Greta Thunberg giving one of her scary, Damien from the Omen-style rants about the world ending. Mr Guru-Murthy, dressed in a Fat Controller three-piecer, invited the candidates to give an opening monologue.
Nothing they said was more surprising than Mr Corbyn’s blue shirt. This wasn’t quite up there with Bob Dylan whipping out the electric guitar circa 1965 but a significant moment all the same. Usually he wears a white polyester number.
‘Labour’s on your side,’ he kept saying, unconvicingly. While Alan – sorry Adam – from Plaid Cymru sounded like a cop out for revenge. ‘For me, climate change is perrr-sonal,’ he drawled.
Meanwhile, Miss Swinson went into overdrive about our ‘poisoned planet’.
Miss Sturgeon flapped around, droning on about how she was the only person there who had led a government. True enough, but she seemed a strangely peripheral figure.
There was a slow drip, drip, drip as the Boris sculpture began to melt. Next to this lot, the Iceman PM was winning.
Most engaging was Green Sian. Admittedly, the debate is home turf for her but what a likeable creature she was, so much nicer than her pinched colleague Caroline Lucas. She had a voice like a no-nonsense barmaid. If politics doesn’t work out for her, I’d love to hear her do a karaoke of Marlene Dietrich’s Falling in Love Again. Somehow, Mr Guru-Murthy veered us on to diets. Adam – that’s the one! – suggested that we should all eat less meat, which is unlikely to endear him to Welsh farmers. Incidentally, Plaid’s beanpole looked in need of a few lamb burgers himself.
Mr Corbyn was then asked if he’d gone plant-based in the eating front? ‘I’m sorry,’ replied the doddery Labour leader, struggling to hear.
WRAPPING up, the quintet were asked what they planned to do to lower their own carbon emissions. Adam said he’d start cycling to the National Assembly in Cardiff, get an electric car and buy reusable nappies. For his son, it should be said.
‘Will you wash them?’ asked Mr GuruMurthy. ‘I think that’s the point,’ Adam deadpanned. Mr Corbyn let it be known he’d only turned on his central heating last week and had already switched it off again. ‘I’m quite miserable like this,’ he grumbled. Yes, we gathered.
Miss Berry sighed and announced huskily: ‘It isn’t about listing things, it’s about changing things for good.’ Oh, I liked her. She was the second best performer on the night. Winner? Mr Johnson by country mile, of course.