Ban­ish those feel­ings of in­fe­ri­or­ity

Scottish Daily Mail - - Inspire -

STEPH SAYS:

I AP­PLAuD you for be­ing brave enough to write to us. My heart goes out to you. It seems like you feel your break-up and sub­se­quent celi­bate years are some­how shame­ful — I should like to stress very strongly that they are not.

The fact that you feel shame­ful must be mak­ing things so much worse. So, first, ban­ish that feel­ing. You have noth­ing to be em­bar­rassed about.

On the con­trary, you should feel proud of your re­silience and of bounc­ing back from heart­break. You’re not bit­ter or wal­low­ing in your mis­ery. In fact, you are now open to the idea of meet­ing a new man and open­ing up your heart again.

Many peo­ple never re­cover from such a set­back and de­fine their lives by their pain and re­jec­tion. You have healed, and sup­ported your­self emo­tion­ally and fi­nan­cially. Now you just have to re­alise it.

I have a feel­ing that this has noth­ing to do with sex. It is more a ques­tion of your self­es­teem. Many women and men out there don’t rel­ish the thought of find­ing a new part­ner in midlife. I know if I had to, I cer­tainly wouldn’t be ex­actly ex­cited at the prospect — af­ter all, I am no longer a 23-year-old mind in a 23-year-old body. It’s com­pletely nor­mal to find the whole thing daunt­ing.

But the is­sue has be­come over­whelm­ing in your mind as your con­fi­dence has been erased.

The key is to boost your sense of self-worth and re­spect for your­self. You might ben­e­fit from find­ing a pro­fes­sional to guide you through this process — to help you see your­self as oth­ers see you — and re­solve those feel­ings of in­fe­ri­or­ity.

I think it will also change the sub­lim­i­nal mes­sages of neg­a­tiv­ity you emit to the wider world. At the mo­ment, you’re giv­ing off fear; you need to start send­ing out vibes of con­tent­ment and con­fi­dence.

Truth­fully, I want to give you a great big hug and tell you that you are wor­thy of ev­ery­thing, so you can stop this roller­coaster of neg­a­tive emo­tions.

With age, I have come to re­alise that sex is not the most im­por­tant thing in a re­la­tion­ship. A re­la­tion­ship is the sum of its parts, and in­ti­macy is the way we make our­selves most vul­ner­a­ble to our part­ners — so it’s ap­pro­pri­ate to take it se­ri­ously. And it’s ab­so­lutely OK to do it with the lights off!

When you find the right man, I re­ally do be­lieve that your fears will re­cede. Have faith that it will hap­pen to you.

In the mean­time, feel proud of be­ing sin­gle and revel in your in­de­pen­dence!

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