Never apologise for not being in love

STEPH SAYS:

HMMM. This is a tricky one. I am trying not to scold you, but I do think you’ve been naughty in leaving it so late.

You say you’ve been thinking about this for a while — I do wish you’d acted sooner. It is

very close to Christmas now, and that’s why you’re in a panic.

I do understand that it can be incredibly painful to have found a good man who is the nicest guy, but not the guy.

It is soul-destroying to have to make that decision. And, for the record, many people don’t. There are scores of men and women who decide not to walk away from ‘good on paper’ and make a choice of convenience.

And, while there’s no shame in that, there’s no joy, either, so you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to wait it out for Mr Right.

But how to make space for him because, mark my words, he won’t come along if you’re with someone else.

You have three options. The first, you tell your boyfriend the relationship is over. The second, you fake it. And the third? You plant the seed of doubt. I don’t think you should opt for the first option with the dreaded words: ‘We need to talk.’ everyone knows what that means, and there’s no need to be so melodramatic.

If you call it off out of the blue, it will hurt him deeply and that’s not terribly kind just before Christmas. And I do not think that is who you are.

Neither do I think you should fake it, not least because all that pretending would be exhausting and dreadful for everyone — not just you.

Parents are not stupid, especially when it comes to those who are close to their children. They will smell a rat, no matter how lovely you are to them, and that will make everyone uncomfortable.

Far better, I think, to find a third way. Over dinner this week, gently tell him you’re having a mild case of the collywobbles.

Tell him you’re anxious about meeting his parents and suggest you put it off for another time, say, easter.

Tell him you would rather spend Boxing Day just the two of you. He may take you up on that, he may not, but it’s a way of gently introducing the fact that you’re not as keen as he might have hoped.

It should nip any thoughts of an engagement in the bud and spare him a rejected proposal, if that’s on the cards.

One final thing: please, do not apologise. The classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is frankly an insult to both of you.

You should never apologise for not being in love. It’s not your fault, and I can tell from your letter that you wish you were.

This way will give you the chance to make space for the right person — gracefully, kindly and, above all, honestly.