TV's funniest CHRISTMAS moments
The bellringer forgot to let go of the rope and caught his ding dong merrily on high.
GREAT comedy and Christmas go together like Santa Claus and his sleigh. Over the years, the nation’s funniest and best-loved stars have tickled our funny bones with hilarious memorable moments. Here, in a week-long celebration, we bring you these treasures as they were originally written. Today, the Mail’s TV critic CHRISTOPHER STEVENS kicks off by selecting classic gags from The Two Ronnies . . .
THE Two Ronnies shows began with the pair sitting at desks like newsreaders and delivering a series of gags, joke news items and announcements.
RONNIE CORBETT: Christmas certainly is full of magic — all your money vanishes into thin air. RONNIE BARKER: And no matter how much turkey you eat, there’s always twice as much left. RC: Have you had a good Christmas, Ronnie? RB: Oh yes, it’s been all bunting and frolics. I was advised not to drink before saying that. Jolly good jib I dodn’t, really. RC: Well, we’ve had a very nice day. We’ve had paperchains everywhere, all over the house. Every time we open the front door the toilet flushes.
RB: One of the best things about Christmas is the special television programmes. The BBC are showing Mutiny On The Bounty. They are also showing a film about violent attacks on the police in the Rockies called Boot-in-ear On The Mounties, and a film about a man who falls off Everest and lands on Raquel Welch called Mountaineer On The Beauty.
AND IN A GIFT-WRAPPED PROGRAMME TONIGHT . . .
RB: Here to tell her story will be the secretary who wouldn’t kiss her boss under the mistletoe because she didn’t like where he was wearing it . . . he was wearing it under the stairs. RC: We’ll be entertained by the massed choirs of the Noise Abatement Society, singing Silent Night.
BUT FIRST THE NEWS
RC: The Catering Council has promised that the sage and onion bullet will soon become generally available. This means, of course, you’ll be able to shoot the turkey and stuff it at the same time. RB: The Queen will once again
decorate her own Christmas tree. This year she’s giving it the OBE.
RC: Comfortable in hospital tonight is the Carnoustie man who heeded the warning of the Ministry of Transport to wear something white at night. He went out dressed in a white hat, white gloves and white trousers, and was run over by a snow plough. RB: The British Medical Association have offered advice to all those anxious to maintain their
high-fibre diets over the holiday period — don’t eat the pudding, eat the tree. RC: In Sunderland tonight, a bulletin was issued about the man who swallowed a clock on Tuesday. His condition is still giving cause for alarm, at 7.15 every morning.
RB: The police were victims of a hoax today. It happened on the A1, about two miles from Three Bridges at four o’clock, when five men were all at sixes and sevens due to being one over the eight,
dialled 999 and demanded ten cups of cocoa for their elevenses. A mathematician is helping the police with their inquiries.
RC: The governor of Parkhurst has announced that five maximum security prisoners have today sat down to a Christmas dinner of turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding with brandy sauce. However, efforts to recapture them are still going on. RB: And Royston Kildare, the Dewsbury man who wants various parts of his body to be used in transplant operations, was out practising in the supermarket recently. He gave the eye to the checkout girl, he gave a hand with a lady’s shopping, he gave two fingers to the parking attendant and then he offered his seat to a woman on the bus. RC: As a special goodwill gesture, a well-known British petrol firm is offering an extended play gramophone record of American Indian ghost stories for only three new pence. Just ask for the BP 3p creepy teepee EP. RB: Latest statistics show that 90 per cent of all British women
like Shakin’ Stevens. On the other hand, 90 per cent of British men think he’s old enough to shake himself.
RC: Whilst at Swizzlewick in Yorkshire this afternoon, the Lady Mayoress unveiled a large bust outside the town hall when she caught her blouse in the car door handle. RB: And now a sketch starring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who is now appearing in Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp playing the part of the wick. RC: And Mr Ronnie Barker, who is now appearing in Robin Hood playing the part of Sherwood Forest.
IN THE COMMONS YESTERDAY
RC: Mr Willie Hamilton held up a piece of mistletoe and said the price was a disgrace. Two hundred and twenty six members shouted ‘shame’, 193 shouted ‘hear, hear’ and 12 kissed him.
NEWS HAS JUST COME IN
RC: In Sussex, firemen have freed the bellringer who forgot to let go of the rope and caught his ding dong merrily on high. RB: This week sees the start of a new BBC programme dealing with the problems of the over-sexed. This programme will be shown 14 times a week.
RC: A 24-year-old turkey breeder had an unfortunate accident yesterday at Smithfield Market when he fell off the back of his lorry. Within three minutes he was trussed, stuffed and sold as oven ready. RB: Colonel Bill Lomax, the world’s greatest elephant tracker, was buried today. In future he’s decided not to follow so close behind the elephants.
A BOXING DAY MESSAGE FOR LADIES
RB: If an old gentleman with a long white beard tucked something in your stocking last night it was Father Christmas. If it happens again tonight, you’ve been goosed by a Chelsea Pensioner. RC: And now a sketch. Mr Ronnie Barker plays the part of a man who gives his drama-loving girlfriend Selections From Shakespeare and gets the complete works in return.
SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY
RC: Britain’s leading manufacturer of dog biscuits has had to call in the official retriever.
AND FINALLY SOME LATE NEWS
RB: There was a big theft this morning from a factory that makes chocolates. Special centres have been set up, some of them hard centres and some of them soft centres. And this evening the police were said to be helping themselves during their inquiries. RC: And we have just heard that due to bad weather, the strike at Heathrow has been diverted to Manchester. RB: And now a sketch which takes place in a cottage hospital on Christmas Eve. I play a man who comes in with a broken arm. RC: And I play the doctor who gift wraps it.