BABY JESUS? HE WAS A MARROW WRAPPED IN SWADDLING CLOTHES!
WHEN the pilot Richard scripts Wilson for One first Foot saw In The ‘I thought Grave, Victor he was was unimpressed: angry for mind, too of long.’ course, He and changed played his the part for 11 years from 1990. Annette Crosbie was his wife Margaret, with Angus Deayton and Janine Duvitski as his neighbours Patrick and Pippa.
Victor and Margaret Meldrew are spending christmas with 263 garden gnomes he ordered by mistake. to add to his bad mood, he’s appeared in the local Nativity play as the back end of a cow. the couple arrive home late after his performance.
VICTOR: I don’t know why I agreed. I said I wouldn’t do it. I swore I wouldn’t do it. MARGARET: Well why did you do it then?
Victor storms into the kitchen, throws his coat and cap onto the table and pours himself a large glass of wine.
VICTOR: Nothing short of complete, total public humiliation in front of 500 cackling crows. Nativity play? It was more like a gospel according to the Marx Brothers.
Margaret walks into the kitchen. MARGARET: Can I get any of that before you guzzle it all back?
She pours herself a glass.
VICTOR: Swallow all my pride and every last ounce of dignity to dress up as the back half of a cow and what do I find? The costume department has lost the front half! But don’t you worry, Mrs Prowse to the rescue... with the front half of a giant rabbit left over from Easter. With any luck, no one will notice the difference. MARGARET: That’s not a bad drop of plonk for Great Aunt Joyce. VICTOR: I ended up lumbering
around the crib like the result of some horrible vivisection experiment.
MARGARET: I’m still peckish. Do you want to heat up the rest of that bubble and squeak before we go to bed?
VICTOR: And that was a moving moment wasn’t it? When the Angel of the Lord came down and said: ‘Bugger me, what the hell’s happening here?’ I’ve never seen such a cheapskate production. The Three Wise Men were all cardboard cut-outs — I suppose you noticed that. Half the audience thought the stable was being invaded by the pirates from Captain Pugwash. And you would have thought at least they could have found a child’s doll or something as the baby Jesus. That was the absolute limit: a marrow wrapped in swaddling clothes.
MARGARET: Oh for goodness sake, shut up going on and on about the bloody thing. You’ve made your point. (Victor drinks more
wine.) It was a complete disaster — now let it rest. the doorbell goes. MARGARET: Who’s that at this time at night?
Victor takes another gulp of wine. VICTOR: (Murmuring to himself) I’ve finished with amateur dramatics for life, I am straight.
Margaret opens the door to neighbours Pippa and Patrick. MARGARET: Hello, love. PIPPA: Merry Christmas. MARGARET: Merry Christmas. PATRICK: We heard you come in so we thought we’d just try and catch you. MARGARET: Oh come on in — have some sherry. PIPPA: Thank you.
Patrick, move into Pippa the living and Margaret room and settle on the sofa. PIPPA: Oh, I see what you mean about all your goblins. MARGARET: Ah yes (laughs). How’s your father? He’s got a lot on his mind this Christmas hasn’t he? It was nice meeting him, in spite of all the mishaps. Here we are. (She hands Pippa and Patrick a glass of sherry each.) Merry Christmas. PIPPA: Merry Christmas. PATRICK: Cheers. PIPPA: That’s what we came round for, actually. MARGARET: What’s that? PIPPA: My father’s Christmas present. MARGARET: Sorry? PATRICK: The bottle of wine. Fortnum and Mason delivered it yesterday morning. I hope you don’t mind us asking them to deliver it to you, but we weren’t exactly sure when it would arrive and didn’t want to risk him spotting it. MARGARET: A bottle of wine (feigns a smile). PIPPA: Being a collector, well, fanatic really when it comes to his wine. Oh he’s been after this particular one for God knows how long. PATRICK: It’s a real stroke of luck that we found it, really. The Chateau Cheverny Meursault 1924. It’s incredibly rare.
Margaret’s smile drops and her eyes widen as she realises they’ve just drunk half the bottle. PIPPA: We’ve got his 60th
birthday coming up on the 28th so it’s a big combined present for the two. It’s amazing really, isn’t it, a bottle of wine that’s ten years older than your father.
PATRICK: It’s amazing to think that a bottle of wine could cost you 850 quid. PIPPA: You don’t have to keep shouting about the price. MARGARET: (Straining her laugh) I’ll just get it for you.
Margaret runs into the kitchen and slams the door. She turns round to see Victor pouring the last of the bottle of wine into a pan as he cooks the bubble and squeak.
VICTOR: Is that next door? It’s a bit late to be out in the garden, isn’t it. What do they want?
Victor throws the empty bottle of wine into the bin. Margaret finds the empty Fortnum and Mason packaging and checks the tag. She looks up in horror. MARGARET: (Speaking fast and strained) Victor, that very expensive bottle of wine that was sent to us by Great Aunt Joyce yesterday wasn’t from Great Aunt Joyce and it wasn’t for us.
VICTOR: Wasn’t from Great Aunt Joyce? But the card said lots of love.
MARGARET: (Hisses) Yes! The card was from her. The wine (pauses) was from a very expensive place in London. It belongs to Patrick and Pippa and the courier left it at our house for safekeeping.
Margaret pulls the empty bottle of wine out from the bin.
MARGARET: It cost £850. It’s been perfectly preserved for over 60 years. And you’ve just poured the last drops in the bubble and squeak!
Margaret clutches the empty bottle to her chest looking panicked. VICTOR: Right. You’d better go in and
apologise and I’ll go and rest my neck on a railway line.
Margaret runs to the sink and starts to pour water into the bottle from the tap. VICTOR: What are you doing?
MARGARET: I’m going to fill it up and stick the cork back in. A thing like this, nobody ever drinks it. You put it down in the cellar and just look at it. And with a bit of luck, nobody will notice the difference. (Screams as she notices the water is too clear to pass off as white wine.) Get me the funnel out of that drawer.
Victor places the funnel in the empty bottle now on the kitchen table. Margaret pulls a can of tinned custard from the cupboard, cracks it open and pours the thick liquid into the bottle while Patrick and Pippa wait in silence in the living room. MARGARET: I’m so sorry we took so long (passes the Fortnum and Mason box to Patrick and Pippa). We couldn’t quite remember where we put it. PIPPA: Ah thank you. Now guard that with your life (she passes the box to Patrick). PATRICK: Don’t worry. PIPPA: Now we won’t keep you any longer because I’m sure you’re ready for your bed. MARGARET: Yes! PATRICK: Thanks for the sherry. MARGARET: Oh not at all. PIPPA: And Merry Christmas. MARGARET: Yes, Merry Christmas to you too. Good night. PIPPA: Night!
Margaret closes the door and Victor peeks his head around the corner.
MARGARET: If you do believe in God, I’d say now’s the time to start saying your prayers.