EBENEZER BLACKADDER KINDEST MAN IN ALL ENGLAND!
ROWAN ATKINSON’S Blackadder was one of the nastiest men in history. But the sarcastic mask slipped in a 1988 special as Ebenezer Blackadder, a Victorian moustache vendor, went against the grain. Writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton turned the story of Scrooge in A Christmas Carol on its head: It’s the Spirit of Christmas (Robbie Coltrane) who convinces Blackadder he’ll be happier if he’s horrible. Tony Robinson is turnipwitted servant Baldrick and Miriam Margolyes and Jim Broadbent are Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.
NARRRATOR: In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood, in Dumpling Lane in old London town, the Moustache Shoppe of one Ebenezer Blackadder — the kindest and loveliest man in all England. [Opening theme]
He’s kind and gen’rous to
the sick He’d never spread a
nasty rumour. He never gets on people’s wick And doesn’t laugh at
toilet humour. Blackadder! Blackadder! He’s sickeningly good. Blackadder! Blackadder! As nice as Christmas pud.
SCENE: Inside the Moustache Shoppe. Baldrick is dusting off a moustache on a stand. EBENEZER: (From outside the main door) Humbug! Humbug! (Enters, holding a bag of sweets and holds out the bag) Humbug,
Mr Baldrick? BALDRICK: Oh, thank you very much (takes one). EBENEZER: Well, I’ve got all the presents . . . BALDRICK: . . .and I’ve nearly finished the Christmas cards. EBENEZER: (Taking off his tall
hat) Oh, splendid! Let me see . . . (He picks up a card from the desk) ‘A Very Messy Christmas.’ I’m sorry, Mr Baldrick — shouldn’t that be ‘Merry’? BALDRICK: ‘A Merry Messy Christmas’? All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy — messy cake; soggy pudding; great big wet kisses under the mistletoe . . . EBENEZER: Yes . . . (Going to hang up his coat and scarf.) I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you’re likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas — or, indeed, any other time — is to make a pass at a water closet. However, be that as it may... (Baldrick gives him the card again) ‘A Merry Messy Christmas.’ Christmas has an H in it, Mr Baldrick. BALDRICK: Oh . . .
EBENEZER: . . . and an R. Also an I, and an S. Also T an M and A . . . and another S. Oh, and you’ve missed out the C at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, I think — you must be the first person ever to spell ‘Christmas’ without getting any of the letters right at all.
He takes the bag of presents he brought from outside into the back room. BALDRICK: (Following him)
Well, I was a bit rushed. I’ve been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play. EBENEZER: Oh, of course! How did it go? BALDRICK: Well, not very well — at the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died! EBENEZER: Oh, dear! This high
infant-mortality devil when it comes rate to is staging a real quality did you children’s do? theatre. What BALDRICK: Got another Jesus. EBENEZER: Oh, thank goodness . . . and his name? BALDRICK: Spot. There weren’t any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead. EBENEZER: Oh, dear... (Moving to and sitting on a chair near the fireplace) I’m not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was ‘Woof’. BALDRICK: (As Ebenezer removes his shoes) Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we hadn’t been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool . . . EBENEZER: . . .on some other dogs.
BALDRICK: Yeah...and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he’s away! While the angel’s singing ‘Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind’, Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride! EBENEZER: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of
God, children Mr upset? Baldrick. Weren’t the BALDRICK: They want us Nah, to do they another loved one it. at Easter. EBENEZER: Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.
SCENE: A room in Buckingham Palace. Victoria enters, followed by the butler, and approaches Albert, who is wrapping something. He speaks with a ridiculous accent. VICTORIA: (Knowing it’s a present for her)
What are you doing, Albert? ALBERT: (Hiding something)
Nothing . . . VICTORIA: Oh yes you are, you naughty German sausage! (Sits) Tell me what you’re doing . . .
ALBERT: I just said; I’m not doing anything! Really, woman — when you’re busy ruling India, you don’t tell me what you are doing . . . So why should I tell you what I am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your surprise Christmas present?
Damn... VICTORIA: surprise presents Now Oh, I dear have for you Alby, only . . . don’t two worry ALBERT: — I I don’t do... mind. I love surprises. (Hugs against her, her bosom; resting she his enjoys head it very surprises much) is Christmas like the without nuts without realisation, a nutcrack. rushes to the (Has tree, a and begins unwrapping something) . . .which is why I have bought you this surprise nutcracker — Damn . . . Damn . . . VICTORIA: Oh, darling Bobo, don’t worry. (Stands) Besides, haven’t you forgotten something? ALBERT: What? VICTORIA: Our traditional Christmas adventure! ALBERT: Oh, yes! Of course! The traditional Christmas adventure! Huzzah!!! . . .what traditional Christmas adventure? VICTORIA: You silly soldier! You know: when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good . . . ALBERT: Oh, yes! Of course! Dummkopf! (Stands.) How could I forget? (He shouts in German, reaches down to pick up something and starts unwrapping
it.) For it is for precisely such an outing as this that I have bought you my finest surprise present: this muff which I am going to give you tomorrow — Damn... Damn . . . Damn . . . (As he falls to his knees, Victoria pushes his face into her bosom.)