TV’s funniest CHRISTMAS moments Who wants to hear tuneless tots kill some carols?

Laugh-out-loud scripts from The Vicar Of Dibley, Not Going Out and Open All Hours

IN PART three of our joyous series of Christmas comedy classics, the Mail’s TV critic Christopher Stevens starts with The Vicar Of Dibley. Dawn French was the headline name but, for many fans, the real star was scatty verger Alice Tinker (Emma Chambers). The show was loved for its gently farcical set-ups, none better than this one from 1996 in which Geraldine accepts four invitations to Christmas lunch . . . and has to eat turkey and sprouts at each.

The dippy Vicar Alice and are lovable putting but decorations vicarage. on the tree in the

ALICE: Vicar, what are you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?

VICAR: Well my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen’s Speech, written this year by Ruby Wax I believe. And what about you?

ALICE: I’m totally excited about your first Christmas sermon. It’s just going to be an experience I’ll never forget.

VICAR: Alice, my first Christmas sermon was last Christmas.

ALICE: Oh yeah, I forgot. Not that it’s your fault, you probably just chose a boring subject. VICAR: What, the birth of Jesus Christ? Otherwise known as the greatest story ever told?

ALICE: Well, yeah, first time you hear it. But after that it’s a bit predictable innit? Man and woman get to inn, inn full, woman has baby in manger, angels sing on high, blah blah blah,

VICAR: You have forgotten to mention that that baby is in fact the son of God.

ALICE: Oh yeah, I know, I mean that’s a nice twist.

VICAR: A nice twist?

ALICE: Yeah, but there aren’t exactly a lot of laughs. I mean the Christmas Fools And Horses. Oh that’s much funnier. That Rodney, what a plonker.

VICAR: I think we’d better change the subject, (She holds up a Christmas tree decoration) because frankly if we stick with this one I’ll be forced to put this somewhere dark that will make it impossible for you to walk.

An alarm goes on the vicar’s watch.

VICAR: Chocolate time. Alice, now then tell me. Exactly how many chocolate Advent calendars is the maximum a greedy person should have.

ALICE: I don’t know, I would have thought 30.

The vicar walks towards her desk, covered with chocolate Advent calendars.

VICAR: Good, good, I’ve got it about right then. There’s just enough time before David’s big party to open two more windows on my Oasis calendar. Do you want Liam or Noel?

ALICE: Liam.

The vicar pretends to offer a chocolate then eats it herself.

VICAR: Mmm, Patsy Kensit’s right you know, Liam is tasty.

At David’s party, where his son hugo is talking to the vicar.

HUGO: Got anything planned for Christmas? VICAR: Well one or two things, yes, I am the vicar remember.

HUGO: Oh yes, of course. It can be quite a sad time, Christmas. I always feel sorry for people who are alone on Christmas Day, solitary sad acts watching Jurassic Park and opening Advent calendars.

VICAR: (After a pause) Yes, that is tragic, isn’t it. (She looks across at hugo’s father David, who now has a beard) So what’s the idea with your father and the... (she points to her chin)

HUGO: Oh, he says it makes him more attractive to women.

VICAR: Oh so he’s gone completely mad now then.

DAVID: Welcome everybody and thank you all for coming. May I take this opportunity of wishing you all a merry Christmas. I hope we all find this a time of joy and peace and good will to all men.

The sounds of boy and girl carol singers come from outside.

Hugo, go and tell that lot to drown themselves would you?

HUGO: All right, or I could ask them to come in and cheer our hearts with their childish joy.

DAVID: I think not.

VICAR: Ah, shame.

DAVID: Oh all right, we’ll take a vote. Who wants to hear Little Miss Looney and her tuneless tots kill some carols? everyone raises their hand

HUGO: Three cheers for Chrimble…

Frank approaches the vicar.

FRANK: Vicar, vicar. Jim and I are getting together on Christmas Day. Not that we’re an item, you understand, not in that sense. We’re joining forces for the day.

JIM: Just the day, not the night.

VICAR: Right.

FRANK: And we wondered if you’d consider being our guest?

VICAR: Oh...

JIM: The thing is, my wife’s away, on a Competent Grandparenting course. And I used to have Christmas lunch at Letitia’s, but since she..., she..., sort of…

VICAR: Died.

JIM: JIM: Yes. It’s just us. And we wouldn’t half mind a bit of totty to take her place.

VICAR: I see, so it’s a sort of rock and roll lunch with the guys.

JIM: No, no, yes, that’s right. Sex and drugs and rock and Swiss roll.

FRANK: We promise you a delicious repast. And a potentially thrilling game of charades.

VICAR: Well, I can’t deny, I am totally available for Christmas lunch, so I’d be delighted to accept.

FRANK: A result! (He high fives with Jim).

VICAR: Except for the charades, which I enjoy as much as colonic irrigation.

FRANK: I’ve not played that.

The children’s choir start singing an interminable version of the Ding Dong Merrily On High chorus Gloria.

VICAR: Well that’s lovely, isn’t it. Now then, before you finish, a little test for you. We all know that Christmas is a very, very special time. But who can tell me who started it all? Yes, James.

JAMES: Noel Edmonds.

VICAR: No.

JIM: That’s me out.

VICAR: Any other guesses?

A LITTLE GIRL: Baby Jesus.

VICAR: That’s right Bethy. And what’s so special about Jesus?

A LITTLE BOY: His name’s a swear word.

VICAR: Yes, but I was thinking rather more of the fact that he’s the son of God. And where was he born?

A LITTLE BOY: In Dunstable.

VICAR: In Dunstable?

THE BOYS AND GIRLS TOGETHER: Yes, that’s right.

VICAR: Who told you that?

They turn towards Alice

ALICE: I always thought it was a bit odd, but that’s what my mum told me. Jesus was born in Dunstable.

VICAR: In a stable.

DAVID: Is there any chance of getting on with it.

OWEN: (Owen enters) I’m sorry I’m late. I was just leaving when that daft girl and her horrible gang of talentless dwarves came round. I haven’t heard a racket (He turns like to it since see Alice I caught and that the carol cow in singers). the shredder.

Hello Alice, hello dear little children, nice to see you again.

VICAR: On you go Alice.

ALICE: Right, our final song is an old favourite in a new version the children taught me. I’m a great believer that you must listen to the culture of the young.

DAVID: Get on with it.

ALICE: On the count of four. Four!

THE CHILDREN: While shepherds watched their flocks by night, All seated on a bank

VICAR: (Closes her eyes) Oh God ....

THE CHILDREN: An angel who was born came down and taught them how to

VICAR: Merry Christmas Everybody! Merry, merry Christmas.