THE SKETCH THE HOUSE
Written by Lee Mack and Daniel Peak
WHEN Lee Mack’s rapid-fire sitcom Not Going Out started in 2006, he played a layabout who spends his life boozing with his flatmate Lucy’s brother. This festive special, set in a haunted house, came seven years later, and features Lee’s real-life son Arlo as a ghost.
THERE are ghostly goings-on when Lee invites flatmate Lucy, her parents Geoffrey and Wendy — who can’t stand Lee — and dopey friend Daisy (Katy Wix) to spend Christmas at his late aunt Maureen’s dilapidated house. spooky music can be heard, the cellar door’s stuck and it seems Lee’s upset the spirit of a young boy by burning a rocking chair, which moved by itself. On top of that, Lee’s feckless dad Frank (Bobby Ball) turns up uninvited.
LEE: Where you going?
GEOFFREY: Well, our traditional Christmas Eve family walk.
FRANK: Good idea! I like a nice long stroll.
LEE: How does 300 miles one-way grab ya? Give us a minute, Geoffrey, we’ll just get dressed.
GEOFFREY: Well, I don’t wish to be rude, but these walks are a family tradition. Wendy and I use them to catch up with Lucy.
LEE: Mm. Fast walker, is she?
Later Lee and Frank are in the living room. An old record plays in the background while Lee puts more wood on the fire.
FRANK: You know, this reminds me of 1976. You, as a little boy. Hanging stockings up, waiting for your presents.
LEE: Yeah. You telling me to leave a glass of whisky out for Santa.
FRANK: Not forgetting Rudolph.
LEE: Yeah, one for him too. And for Donna, one for Dancer, and Vixen.
FRANK: And the others.
LEE: I never even knew there was a reindeer called Steve.
FRANK: Talking of presents, what’ve you done with them?
LEE: What do you mean?
FRANK: The presents! From under the tree!
LEE: I haven’t touched them!
FRANK: Well they were there whenever they went off for their walk, and there’s been no one here except me and you.
Frank and Lee look at the space under the Christmas tree. A creaking sound comes in the background.
LEE: How come haunted houses never have any WD40?
FRANK: When did you unlock that cellar door?
LEE: I didn’t.
They walk towards the door.
LEE: I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this.
FRANK: Yes, of course there is. Although, it would fit the legend wouldn’t it.
LEE: How d’you mean?
FRANK: That Christmas when their dad didn’t come home. That little boy didn’t get his presents. Maybe he’s making up for it now…
LEE: Well he’s going to be disappointed when he opens a fondue set and the biography of Tom Hanks.
More noises come from the cellar.
FRANK: You’d better check down there. So off you go.
Lee looks uncertain and pokes his head towards the cellar door. He flicks the switch.
LEE: The bulb’s gone.
FRANK: Don’t worry, you’re Auntie Maureen always kept a box of spares.
LEE: Good. Where are they?
FRANK: Right down there at the back of the cellar.
Lee goes into the cellar.
LEE: Hello? Is anyone in here? Hello? By the way, can I just say, I felt the film ‘The Exorcist’ painted you lot in a very bad light. Well it’s either alive or a witch, but either way it’s not looking good.
Noises keep coming from the darkness.
LEE: Aaaaaah! What are you doing down here you mangey little git?
Lee shouts at a cat. He turns around and sees Frank holding a lit candle.
LEE: Ah! What are you doing down here you mangey little git? FRANK: (Thinking Lee’s talking to him) I heard you scream.
LEE: It’s just a cat from the caravan. There must be an open window and he’s got trapped down here or something.
FRANK: Well, at least that explains the noises from down here.
LEE: But it doesn’t explain the cellar door being open does it? Or the missing present?
FRANK: No, but that does…
Lee turns around to see what his father is talking about. Frank’s lighter illuminates a message on the wall which reads ‘Leave this house’.
LEE: Maybe it doesn’t mean us.
They shine the light lower, the message now reads ‘Leave this house Lee’.
LEE: Well that’s all right, we are leaving aren’t we. In a day or two.
They shine the light lower still, it now reads ‘Leave this house Lee. Now’.
LEE: Oh yeah, or else what?
They look at the message again. It now reads ‘Or else I’ll kill you’.
LEE: None of this makes sense. If there is a ghost in this house, which there isn’t, how come I didn’t see it when I was down here with Ralph.
FRANK: Who?
LEE: Ralph, that kid I used to play with. FRANK: What kid?
LEE: The son of Carol, the woman you were knocking off. Ralph! Sort of miserable, pale-looking. What?
FRANK: Lee, she didn’t have a son! You used to play down here on you own.
LEE: Well who was that boy?
Frank stares blankly at Lee.
LEE: Oh the little bastard, he could’ve told me he was a ghost. No wonder he never agreed to an arm wrestle.
FRANK: You’re telling me you’ve seen this ghost before?
LEE: Seen it? I used to throw coal at his face!
FRANK: No wonder he doesn’t like ya! And now you’ve burnt his rocking chair! Ralph! Ralph! Whatever Lee did to ya, it was nothing to do with me! So if you’re looking for revenge, PLEASE remember that!
LEE: (Terrified) I’m getting out of here!
Lee runs up the cellar steps.
LEE: (struggling to pull open the door) Oh God, he’s locked us in! He’s going to throw coal at my face and kill me! HELP!
FRANK: Try pushing…
Lee and Frank emerge from the cellar into the reception.
FRANK: You shouldn’t have burnt his chair!
LEE: It’s not my fault the kid’s got an unhealthy interest in antique pine. When I was his age I used to be into normal things like Kerplunk and shoplifting.