Oh God, Geoffrey’s been possessed!
FRANK: Try not to be too scared, son.
LEE: Scared? I’m not scared! There’s nothing a ghost could do to hurt me, I’m not afraid!
Geoffrey, who’s unusually happy, and the other relatives burst into the room behind Lee.
LEE: (Startled) Ah! I wish people would stop doing that!
GEOFFREY: Well hello, hale fellows well met, the weary travellers return to the warm hearth.
LEE: Oh God, Geoffrey’s been possessed! GEOFFREY: Festive spirit Lee, that’s the only thing that’s possessing me!
WENDY: Once Geoffrey’s had his Christmas Eve walk he’s a new man!
GEOFFREY: What would you say to a spirit Lee? LEE: Please don’t kill me? (Pause)I wouldn’t bother taking your coats off! We’re not staying! LUCY: Why, what’s happened? LEE: I saw the ghost of the child! GEOFFREY: Oh for pity’s sake! LEE: It was in the 70s. DAISY: I thought you said it was a child? LEE: The 1970s! DAISY: Oh. LEE: It was my old mate, Ralph. LUCY: What are you talking about?
LEE: Well you know friends aren’t supposed to keep secrets?
LUCY: Yeah. LEE: Well he inadvertently forgot to tell me something quite important, like he’d been dead for the last seven decades.
DAISY: Well it’s an easy mistake to make, I once forgot to tell my best friend I’d snogged her brother.
LEE: Anyway, he’s back, and he’s taken the present.
They all look at the missing presents under the tree. LEE: And what’s worse, is he’s written a note on the wall, threatening to kill me. DAISY: Oh my God! That’s what my friend did too! Well, on a park bench. Did the ghost call you a slag as well? LEE: Right, that’s it, we’re leaving right now.
GEOFFREY: For God’s sake Lee, are you going to be a coward for the rest of your life? Show some bloody backbone man.
Lee takes a deep breath.
LEE: You’re right. Up yours Geoffrey, we’re bloody leaving!
THE new Not Going Out Christmas episode, Christmas Eve, 10pm, BBC1