Where’s the other half of the tree, Frank? In Calais...
MICHAEL Crawford was already a West End star when he appeared as the magnificently accident-prone Frank Spencer opposite Michele Dotrice as his wife Betty in Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em. His mac and beret, and the plaintive cry of ‘Ooh! Betty’, were imitated by every impressionist from Mike Yarwood to Lenny Henry. Though Some Mothers ran for five years, there were just 22 episodes and Crawford was soon back in the theatre, starring in Barnum and The Phantom Of The Opera. In this Christmas edition from 1978, Frank has been banned from playing Joseph in the parish Nativity play... but still goes on to cause mayhem.
It’s the build-up to his daughter Jessica’s first Christmas, and accident-prone Frank has been saying good night to her upstairs. He opened her bedroom window to look out at the night sky. But when he picked up a Chinese lantern to wave it about, it went flying into the air, getting tangled up in a neighbour’s tV aerial. He’s come downstairs to ring the neighbour. Frank’s long-suffering wife Betty is sitting on the floor in the living room, wrapping red paper round a container to hold the family Christmas tree. she’s about to find out that letting Frank get involved in the Christmas decorations at home was a major mistake.
Frank is in the living room, on the phone to his neighbour.
FRANK: Mrs Cuthbert, this is Mr Spencer from over the road. You’ve got something on your roof. Have you had any trouble with your television picture tonight? (Pause) Oh, well, there wasn’t anything good on really. I can tell you what the trouble is, yes. You’ve got a Chinese lantern wrapped around your aerial. Would you like me to come over and put my ladder up your roof? she hangs up on him.
FRANK: (Pulling a face) No… BETTY: I told you to keep that window closed Frank!
FRANK: Well I only opened it for a second and waved at the man in the moon! I know there’s not really a man in the moon, but it looks like one, doesn’t it! He’s got a face, with an eye, and an ear, and a little nose.
BETTY: Yes, all right, that’s enough now Frank.
Frank walks over to a fireplace covered in Christmas cards.
FRANK: Got a lot of cards. BETTY: Mmm! FRANK: Nice to have a lot of cards…
BETTY: Well you’ll get one soon Frank. I mean it’s, it’s early yet!
Frank looks at his watch.
FRANK: I hope the television’s back soon. The repair man said it was going to be a big job. BETTY: Mmm, well it usually is.
FRANK: Well it’s gotta be back for Christmas, I’m banking on it. Jessica wants to see the Queen! She’s never seen a Queen before. BETTY: There we are! It’s all ready now for the tree! You said you were going to get it today.
Betty walks towards the door,
Frank moves in front of it to block her.
FRANK: Yes, I left it outside. BETTY: Well bring it in! FRANK: Well I’m a bit tired now, why don’t we do it all tomorrow?
BETTY: Well I only want to see it Frank…
FRANK: All right.
Frank goes out through the door.
BETTY: I’m glad you decided to get a nice big one ‘cause mum sent the fairy lights today!
Betty opens a box filled with a long string of fairy lights and gets them out of the box. BETTY: D’you think there’ll be enough? FRANK: (Peeks back through
the door) I think so, yes. BETTY: Oh bring it in Frank!
Frank sidles back in showing just the roots of a tree.
BETTY: Oh, it looks a good one! FRANK: Yes… Big roots…
He closes the door again.
BETTY: Frank, will you bring it in!
He opens the door and walks in with the tree sheepishly. He turns around to show it has been decapitated half way up. Betty looks at it in disgust.
BETTY: Where’s the other half?! FRANK: Calais. BETTY: Calais? FRANK: That’s where the lorry was going. BETTY: What lorry? FRANK: It was one of those juggerynuts Betty… I’m very lucky to be here, it nearly hit me! BETTY: What are you talking about?! FRANK: I was helping this old lady with a bad leg. BETTY: Was she the one driving the lorry? FRANK: There’s no need to be sarcastic! BETTY: Well what do you expect Frank? I am doing my best to make it a nice happy Christmas for us and our Chinese lantern’s on the roof, and our Christmas tree’s in Calais.
FRANK: It wasn’t my fault. There was this old lady, I tried to help her across the road ’cos she had a bad leg. And then this big lorry came by and took half me tree with it.
Frank places the tree in the bucket Betty had been wrapping with paper.
FRANK: Look! It’s not too bad, there’s still plenty of life there. It’ll look all right when you get all the lights on it! BETTY: When we get all the lights on it we won’t be able to see it, will we! I mean, I just, it’s the same, everything you bring into this house, it’s, it’s the same, week after week, everything you bring in is either torn, twisted, or topless! FRANK: Betty!
Betty storms off towards the door. FRANK: Remember what my mother always used to say when she got worried.
Betty stands in the doorway looking back at Frank.
BETTY: Frank, I’m tired, I’m fed up, and I’m going to bed! FRANK: No, no, she didn’t say that.