Haunted by terror of losing my mum

MY fIRST response is disquiet that a healthy woman (I assume) should spend hours worrying about death and having ‘panic attacks’ at the thought of the grim reaper knocking on her mother’s door.

This odd obsession has taken over your life. It isn’t healthy.

Something must lie behind this. I wonder if your father’s ‘raging’ alcoholism and the fact that you had to take on a nurturing role instead of being supported by him, and his inevitable demise hanging over the family, might have become one of those traumas people remain unaware of and therefore fail to process.

It might explain why you still ‘miss him every day’. Not that there is anything wrong with such grief, but I would have expected you to have come to terms with the loss by now.

But then you were rocked by other deaths — your beloved grandmother then your grandfather. These hit you hard, I suggest, as your father’s death had left you so vulnerable.

Did you ever have grief counselling? Bereavement charity Cruse (cruse.org.

uk, 0808 808 1677) can be a great help. But what now? If you carry on like this, consumed with dread at the thought of your mother’s death, you are committing a great wrong — as good as visualising the end of her life every day.

It’s as if you are giving the grim reaper a free pass — and really you must control it. for her sake.

By morbidly fixating on what life might be like after her death, you effectively place yourself and your imagined grief and helplessness at the centre of the narrative.

You call this ‘selfish’ — and I have to agree. And I also applaud your insight when you write, ‘now it is my responsibility to live’.

But what can you do about it? I wish I had more information to set your angst within the context of your life. I hope you read last Saturday’s letter from ‘Jane’, whose life is filled with sadness yet who could write, ‘When I feel myself wobbling, I shout out: ‘Courage! Integrity!! HUMOUR!!!”

Jane told how she has tried so hard to keep her problems at bay by volunteering and travelling solo. A good idea, yes?

Only you can take back control of your doom-laden thoughts. I suggest you consider ways of making your life fuller, richer and more selfless.

Many charities and hospitals need volunteers. You are ‘grown up’ now — and I bet your wonderful grandmother would want you to embrace a busier, more fulfilling life.