You too CAN be beach (ball) ready in 2020!

YOU WANT: To finish War And Peace YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Starting War And Peace YOU GET: Netflix.

YOU WANT: A beach body YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A beach ball YOU GET: A beach-ball body.

YOU WANT: The winning ticket in the National Lottery YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A tax rebate of £19.51 YOU GET: The sixth prize in the village tombola: a used DVD of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.

YOU WANT: Quality time with your grandchildren YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Time with your grandchildren YOU GET: Quantity time with your grandchildren.

YOU WANT: To learn to tango YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Learning to jive YOU GET: A cricked neck and a frozen shoulder and a sprained ankle and a dodgy back and you decide that in future it might be more relaxing to sit it out.

YOU WANT: To stop smoking YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Vaping YOU GET: Hooked on vaping and smoking and, at times of stress, both at the same time, but only between and during meals.

YOU WANT: A new car YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A new lawn mower YOU GET: A new parking ticket.

YOU WANT: To be best friends with your neighbours YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A merry exchange of ‘Good morning’ with your neighbours YOU GET: Increasingly irritated by the sound of her high-pitched sneezing and his habit of parking their car where you like to park yours and the clattery noise they make when they put out their bins late at night and the way their hedge intrudes over your fence and the smell of their disgusting barbecue and so you decide enough is enough and write them a strongly-worded letter threatening legal action.

YOU WANT: To jog that extra mile to your friend’s house YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Bicycling that extra mile to your friend’s house YOU GET: An Uber.

YOU WANT: A zero carbon footprint YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Remembering to take your canvas bag to the supermarket

YOU GET: Two return flights to Los Angeles.

YOU WANT: A wi-fi-free weekend YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Going onto the internet only when it’s strictly necessary YOU GET: Hooked on watching YouTube videos of politicians embarrassing themselves and cats pulling funny faces.

YOU WANT: To get Brexit done YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Not hearing another word about Brexit YOU GET: Twelve years of regular daily news updates concerning a possible trade agreement with Lithuania, tariffs on electrical goods from the Netherlands and the breakdown of negotiations over a fishing treaty with Portugal.

YOU WANT: Your children to appreciate you YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Your children noticing you YOU GET: A stream of abuse from your children for not letting them go to an all-night rave on a disused industrial estate.

YOU WANT: To take up spinning YOU’D SETTLE FOR: The occasional bike ride, so long as it’s not raining YOU GET: A puncture in January, so you stow your bicycle in the garden shed and forget about it for the rest of the year.

YOU WANT: To save money YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Spending no more money than you did last year YOU GET: A new car, a new dishwasher, a new lawnmower, and an addiction to online gambling.

YOU WANT: To learn Mandarin YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Learning French YOU GET: A pocket book called 100 Handy French Phrases but two pages in you leave it somewhere and you can’t remember where.

YOU WANT: To lose 3lb by the end of this January YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Losing 3lb by the end of next year YOU GET: An unshakeable urge for a second helping of pie at New Year, and then someone offers you a chocolate, and you think, well, just the one can’t make much difference, and then you don’t want to be a spoilsport so at midnight you have a third glass of Champagne, and then someone brings out a chocolate cake, and you think to yourself, well, let’s be realistic, and re-set January 2021 as your next target.