It’s hard to tell my boys my troubles

DEAR BEL,

I’M 74 — a divorced mum of three grown-up sons. My eldest does try to keep in touch despite a very busy life. My middle son and his wife both work very hard with scant spare time — and two bright, busy children. My youngest lives fairly near but (recently divorced — no kids) works long hours to cover his mortgage.

I miss my sons so much, although I have many friends. Their father and I are estranged; he never gave any support, financial or otherwise.

I live in a lovely cottage, do yoga, meditation classes etc. But at the end of the day I feel isolated and lonely, and without a decent pension my financial situation is quite tenuous. I also suffer from long-term clinical depression and poor physical health.

I try to be positive, put on a ‘happyish’ face and keep my troubles largely to myself, as I don’t want to spoil my sons’ lives more than absolutely necessary.

Right now I’m in a very bad place, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know how to tell my sons.

I feel desperate about my health and wellbeing and am not sure how much longer I can keep going while staying quiet. Which way should I go without creating a huge chasm between me and my sons? I couldn’t bear my life without them. I love them so much.

GEORGINA

Why should letting the human beings you gave birth to know you love and need them ‘spoil’ their lives? Why should a true account of how you are feeling open ‘a huge chasm’? I’ve seen a mother collie growl a warning at her large offspring when he ran to greet her and in the animal world it works the other way, too; the young do not nurture their parents. But I persist in hoping we humans are different.

At best, we obey ties of affection, piety, respect, love and tradition and value our elders. The fact so many families understandably fall short of that ideal is no reason to let it go.

you say you love your sons and stress how busy they all are; your chief concern is not to be a burden. Which is all very noble.

But you are the only mother each of them has ever had and they should know how you are feeling — and that although you keep yourself busy and live in apparent contentment in your cottage, that is not the full story.

you say you are ‘lonely — and yet stress activities and friendships. So the situation you describe is really more specific than the generic loneliness that afflicts so many people (and not just the old) lacking human interaction in our complex society.

I suggest you are not alone, as such — but full of longing. you have friends, yet miss the attention of the three men who owe their busy lives to the woman who carried each of them for nine months and then nurtured them.

Would it make them feel guilty to know you are sad, unwell and ‘quite desperate’? Perhaps…but (here’s the tough me talking) so what? It could be said they have a right to know. Surely they have a duty? Maybe they would work out a system of regular calls/ emails/visits. I entirely approve of your brave face, but it shouldn’t stop you from telling the truth.

If I were you, I would write a ‘happyish’ email to all three, giving an update on your health in a matter-of-fact tone and saying you would like to chat about the future (including your will). Like it or not, we all need to face up to practicalities (including future care) and now would be a good time to start.