How I long to hold my darling again
No one knows more about the pain of isolation from loved ones than British mother Nazanin, now on temporary release from an Iranian jail. Here, she and her husband share the struggle of raising their daughter so far apart...
ACHILD’S Mother’s Day card: simple but potent with yearning. Five-yearold Gabriella Ratcliffe drew a red plane with a flower on its wings for her mum.
Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was freed last week for a fortnight from an Iranian jail. Could any words express more eloquently a small child’s hope that her absent mummy — ankle-tagged and now confined to her parents’ home in Tehran — would soon fly back to London to be with her and her dad? The poignancy is not lost on Nazanin, who spent Mother’s Day with her own mother but separated from her only child, whom she spoke to
remotely on Skype. While she saw gabriella’s handmade card, the hug she longs to enfold her daughter in is still a long way off.
‘it is traumatic not being able to really see or hold gabriella,’ says nazanin, speaking exclusively from iran through her husband richard.
on Tuesday nazanin, arrested in 2016 on spying charges, was freed under a temporary furlough, but will not be permitted to move more than 300 metres from her parents’ home. ‘it has been really good spending time with my mum,’ she says, talking for the first time about her release.
‘i cooked noodles for my parents’ lunch, gabriella’s favourite, but i don’t want to talk about things related to her. it makes me feel too vulnerable.’
nazanin explains that while she cannot bear to speak about gabriella — the exhumation of memories is just too painful — her mum finds solace in chatting about the granddaughter she adores. ‘She’s proud of her granddaughter. She wants to talk about her memories as she is missing gabriella so much.
‘it’s hard for me, though; hard when we were organising a clear-out of some of her toys yesterday; painful to be around all those memories. My defence mechanism is to switch off and not dwell on her absence.’
She adds: ‘i know she is happy in England. That’s all that matters. and who knows? This might soon really be the end. i am so happy to be out [of prison]; even with the tag.
‘Being out is so much better than being in — if you knew what hell this place is. it is mental. Let’s hope it is the beginning of coming home.’
it is a fervent hope gabriella and her father richard ratcliffe share. ‘on Sunday gabriella wished her mum a happy Mother’s day but spent most of the call explaining about the movie night she’d be having at home in her pyjamas,’ he says.
‘nazanin, meanwhile, said she had been going through gabriella’s outgrown clothes.’ Dual British/ iranian national nazanin, 41, was arrested in Tehran as she prepared to board a flight to the uk with gabriella after a holiday with her parents nearly four years ago. The charity worker was imprisoned for five years over allegations, which she strongly denies, that she plotted to overthrow the iranian government.
richard was never granted a visa to visit. gabriella remained in Tehran in the care of her grandparents — visiting her mum regularly in jail — until last october when she flew back to her father in London to start school.
it has all been too much for a child of five to understand. The experience, however, has made her resilient. She has a wide smile, a capacity to charm all she meets and an indomitable spirit.
Since her mum’s release, the little girl’s emotions have swung from joy to regret.
Last Tuesday, she had her first chance since her return to London to Skype-call her mum from the family’s flat in hampstead. richard recalls their shared excitement; the thrill of that first conversation.
‘The first thing nazanin wanted to do was speak to gabriella after school,’ he says. ‘gabriella was giddyingly excited. She had been resisting speaking by phone to her mum in prison. She found it too upsetting. it was much easier to call this week when she was able to see nazanin again.
‘gabriella took the phone off and went round the flat, showing her mummy her bedroom with her new big girl bed. nazanin was admiring her world. gabriella showed her her dollies and ran a bath for them. i had to intervene! There was a real exuberance.’
For richard, the sight of his wife’s smile was long overdue. ‘it’s been lovely to see her with a big grin. She’s been catching up with old friends and it’s so nice to see her doing normal things and feeling like a person again. ‘For gabriella, to be able to talk to her mother outside the confines of a prison cell was happiness itself. i don’t recall gabriella asking too much except, “When are you coming back home?” ’ says richard. ‘But on her second Skype call to nazanin, gabriella asked, “Why are you at Mamany’s [granny’s] and not with us?” She was disconcerted. i told her, “We’re hoping Mummy will be coming home soon.” Sometimes she asks, “When? Tomorrow or the next day?” and i say “hopefully soon”, and she normally accepts that.’ The night before we speak, gabriella painted eggs over Skype with her Mum; a tradition of the iranian new Year. afterwards, richard confides, his daughter was upset: ‘gabriella was reminded that she was away from her mummy. She wanted to be in iran with her for the celebrations. ‘i explained that Mummy had been allowed out of prison for iranian new Year and we told her that it was because people were poorly [with coronavirus] in prison and that Mummy has been poorly as well.’ richard is ‘pretty sure’ that nazanin has had coronavirus and recovered: ‘She had symptoms that lasted a couple of weeks and felt horrible, but they wouldn’t test her.’ The Covid-19 death toll in iran has soared to more than 2,000 and more than 27,000 have