Locked down with our brand new lovers
In March, the Government gave new couples an ultimatum: shack up together or quarantine apart. In the second part of our landmark series, meet the women who took the plunge...
KIA Hansen is inherently wary of commitment. She hadn’t been on a date for years when she met Darren Mennell. But three months on she confounded friends — and herself — when he moved in with her as lockdown was announced. ‘I’ve always been a bit of a commitmentphobe, so if someone had told me at Christmas I’d be living with a boyfriend now, I’d have thought they were mad,’ she admits.
Actually, almost six weeks after Darren started sharing her home in St Leonards-on-Sea, East Sussex, Kia, 46, an interior stylist, admits: ‘In many ways it’s working really well.
‘If I need space, he goes to a different room or out for a run. I’m messy so he’s tidying up after me — without complaint (so far). Living with someone has been a big change for me, but I think I would have been lonely in lockdown without him. We’ve fallen into a comfortable routine, cooking dinner together each night and I must say I’m enjoying the domestic bliss.’ Six weeks ago, on the first day of the UK lockdown, the Government gave couples in new relationships an unprecedented ultimatum. They had to decide at once whether to share a home or quarantine themselves separately.
This gave birth to two new social phenomena: the instant live-in relationship and the virtual one.
Now in day two of a fascinating series in which we scrutinise the effect of lockdown on relationships throughout the UK, we talk to those who have plunged into immediate commitment — and
If somebody says no, you’re asking the wrong person
KRIS JENNER
those who are dating from afar. On Saturday we revealed the results of our uniquely wide-ranging survey in which 1,600 women responded to questions about their sex lives and relationships since lockdown was implemented on March 23.
And the news was cheering. far from heralding a new era of domestic strife and conflict, 76 per cent of respondents admitted to revelling in the chance to spend time exclusively with their partners.
Most women across all age groups also said their spouses were being more helpful with household chores than before, the most significant improvement was among 25-34 year-olds where 58 per cent said their partners were ‘slightly’ or ‘a lot more’ helpful.
and, it seems, there is a correlation between this willingness to share jobs around the house and the amount of sex we are having. It is surely no coincidence that the partners described as ‘a lot more helpful’ in lockdown (a third) are the ones enjoying the most sex — several times a week.
But today, as we turn the spotlight on the virtual strangers who are now living as couples under the same roof, we ask: will these fasttracked ‘isolationships’ thrive and prosper after lockdown ends? Or will they wane and die as quickly as they were formed?
and as those who are dating virtually give their verdicts on remote relationships, we ask whether reverting to an era of slower-paced romance is actually beneficial to couples.
Certainly Harry Benson, research director of the Marriage foundation and author of the newlypublished Commit Or Quit believes there are pluses in both cases.
‘lockdown provides advantages both to couples who are apart and those thrown together,’ he says.
‘When relationships are carried out on Zoom and Whatsapp, as sex is taken out of the equation, we’re mimicking a pre-birth control era when couples were forced to build up a relationship without physical intimacy.
‘That makes it easier for the stronger relationships to survive and thrive when lockdown is lifted and the weaker ones to slide and drift away.
‘I can’t think of a single circumstance when having sex early in a relationship is advantageous.
‘The more you become entwined in each other’s lives, the harder it is to extract yourself if things go wrong. and generally living together is also a constraint because it doesn’t actually improve your chances of staying together.
‘But the end of lockdown will provide a unique opportunity: couples thrown together will have a one-off exit route if the relationship is less than they hoped for, when in normal circumstances it could just have drifted on.’
Will Kia’s pragmatic relationship with darren, 53, who works in business development, endure?
She admits she vacillated before committing, even to her temporary live-in ‘isolationship’.
‘We started dating properly in January when he asked if we could be “exclusive”. I freaked out, even making a list of pros and cons such as “always having to compromise”. But friends told me to stop being silly. They could see he was good for me,’ she says.
at the moment she regrets only the loss of mystique, the abrupt end to the honeymoon period when dating couples only see each other looking — and behaving — their best.
‘living together does take some of the mystery away. I’d usually be putting make-up on and getting dressed up at this early stage of a relationship, but now he’s seen me in the morning, slouching around in slacks and make-up free.
‘and he does have a habit of narrating his actions, so he’ll tell me when he’s going to make a cuppa, or going to the loo . . . I find it amusing and irritating in equal measure.’
for emma Greenwood, 27 who works in procurement and has a 16-month-old son freddie, the end of what she terms the ‘hearts and flowers’ phase of her relationship with Steve dunn, 27, came abruptly — as soon as dating transmuted, after just two months, into living together. although she and Steve, who works in retail, make a point of chatting and cuddling on the sofa at the end of their working days, the gritty reality of everyday life has already intruded.
‘as well as the belching and snoring that you’re suddenly forced to confront when you really should still be in the honeymoon stage, the other night we had our first argument, too. It was over something trivial which I really can’t remember now, but it felt a bit premature,’ she says. Should emma be worried about the hasty end to romance; that first tiff? according to couples coach francine Kaye, who began a love in lockdown facebook page when measures were introduced, the vital point is how you deal with disagreements. ‘The honeymoon period is really a red herring. It can end abruptly — as early as the third date sometimes — it doesn’t have to be when you’re co-habiting,’ she says.
‘The bigger question here is how you deal with minor disagreements to stop them escalating into rows. You need to pause between stimulus and response and have an honest, open conversation.
‘and, of course, then you should look at your shared values and compatibility. In many ways these are like holiday romances. There’s a lack of reality — when isolation is over, people will go back to their hobbies, their friends; to watching sport on TV, and this is where the resentment could start, when questions are raised about where you really stand in the pecking order.’
at present, emma is enjoying both the physical and emotional side of her ‘instant’ relationship.
‘We’ve already said, “I love you,” and we have an amazing sex life,’ she says. ‘We always have, although I was worried that it would die down because we rushed things.
‘We’ve gone from a newly formed couple to practically married with a child. But thankfully sex is one area still very much in the honeymoon stage — and I hope I haven’t spoken too soon! and when it comes to taking care of freddie, Steve has been great. So far, it’s all working out fine. It’s exactly what I hoped co-parenting would be like. ‘Time will tell