The location has changed; his job hasn’t

STEPH SAYS:

BEFORE we go any further I would like you to take three deep breaths. You need to reduce your anger. You are at the end of your tether. I understand — every mother is, and it is fine to ask for help.

The reality is that you are at home with your family 24/7, when your kids are normally at school, football, ballet or flute, for example. for now that’s all over, and your work rate has gone through the roof.

It is completely justified to feel stressed about how much more you are juggling now. However, it isn’t reasonable to accuse your husband of not caring about his children. I doubt very much this is the case, and I would advise you to be careful about what you say. It seems to me your allegation is unfair.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to take on some of the extra childcare, but to complain about him not eating with you and the children appears unjust. Isn’t family suppertime 5pm or 6pm? My guess is he would normally still be at work at that time. Well, he is still at work, he’s just working from home.

I have a strong feeling there is an underlying money issue here. You mention his earning capacity being larger than yours. It upsets you that he makes more money than you do, or did, or perhaps could.

If this was just about having the kids under your feet all the time, you wouldn’t raise the money aspect, but you do. I think that is what’s bothering you.

So, be honest with yourself. Yes, you can be annoyed about the choices you made when you had your family, but be wary about using the kids as a crutch for your irritation. It never ends well when a parent uses their children as a weapon or shield during a disagreement, however close to the truth they may be.

I think you’re missing the point here. remember the strain your husband is under, too. His life — and therefore the entire family’s — might be about to change dramatically, and I imagine he’s working all the hours he can to try to limit the damage, and not worry you.

Here’s my advice. Stop painting him as someone who is uninterested in his children. Instead, choose to be on the same side. Put your hand up for help. Tell him you are exhausted, run ragged and missing time alone.

Get him to suggest ways he can help you — giving you an hour off every day, for example. It can be organised around his work.

Your children should be the source of contentment, not a bone of contention. Count your blessings.