Well, m’lud, Mrs Scroggins is a wrong ’un
YOUR A-TO-Z GUIDE TO 10,000 HOURS OF LOCKDOWN TELEVISION (PART 2)
GRUDGE, NURSING A: In TV dramas, members of the following professions are sure to be nursing a grudge: assistant barman; bank clerk; beekeeper; chauffeur; defrocked vicar; drag queen; librarian; retired doctor; theatrical understudy; village butcher.
HOUSEKEEPER: In period dramas, the housekeeper is always unmarried, bitter and scheming.
HOW EXACTLY DOES ONE GO ABOUT SHEARING A SHEEP? ‘Well, Michael, perhaps you’d like to give it a go!’ ‘Oh, may I?!’ It is Episode 29, Series 52 of Michael Portillo’s Great Railway Journeys, but Michael still keeps going.
IS ANYTHING THE MATTER, MRS SCROGGINS? YOU SEEM VERY ... QUIET LATELY: Catchphrase employed at one time or another by all the characters in Julian Fellowes dramas. Mrs Scroggins will turn out to be nursing i) a dark secret ii) an illegitimate child (probably His Lordship’s) or iii) a Grudge (see Grudge, Nursing A).
IMPRISONED: On television, people are only imprisoned for crimes they didn’t commit.
INTERNATIONAL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES: Always prepared to go to any lengths to prevent their guilty secrets coming out.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE MAD KILLER WAS DEAD, HE BOUNCES BACK TO LIFE: But luckily a friend of his intended victim happens to drop by just as he’s about to strike, and shoots him stone dead.
KNITWEAR: I think there’s a knitwear programme about to start on BBC2.
LENGTHS, PREPARED TO GO TO ANY: Honest cops are prepared to go to any lengths to uncover the truth. And dishonest cops are prepared to go to any lengths to stop them.
LONG COAT: You can always spot a colourful eccentric in a TV drama. He’s the one in the long coat.
MMMMMM! What guest judges on cookery programmes always say immediately after swallowing.
MORGUE: RADA now runs a threeweek course for young actors on How To Stay Completely Still While Playing Dead And Being Examined By A Recently-Widowed Scandinavian Police Officer Who’s Been To Hell And Back.
MOVING HOUSE: A couple you’ve never met are thinking of moving house. But should they move to a three-bedroom semi on the outskirts of St Albans, or to a more spacious four-bedroom property 30 minutes from Glasgow? If you overheard them rattling on about it on a train, you’d move to another carriage, but as it’s on television, you sit glued to the set for an hour, before feeling a slight sense of disappointment when they finally tell Kirstie Allsopp that they’ve decided not to move after all.
MULTI-STOREY CAR PARK: No police officer can ever venture into a multi-storey car park without having to leap out of the way as a mysterious vehicle is driven at him at high speed (See also: Grudge, Nursing A).
NEWS BULLETIN: No villain has ever watched a TV news bulletin in a bar without the very first item turning out to be a report of the crime he has just committed.
OFF THEIR CHESTS: Characters in TV dramas are always being encouraged to get things off their chests.
PINNED TO THE WALL: Police gather in a room with photos of victims and suspects stuck to the wall with drawing-pins, linked by an impossible cat’s-cradle of red ribbons. But you can be sure that the real criminal mastermind is standing in the room, passing unnoticed in a police uniform.
RETIRED DETECTIVES: Spend their days repairing old boats.
SEASON 19: Have we already watched Season 19? Was that the one where the one we thought was the murderer turned out not to be, after all? Or was that Season 23?
SET IN THE 9TH CENTURY: In those faroff days where top-of-the-range cosmetics were freely available, and a hair stylist existed in every cave.
STARE LONG AND HARD AT THE PHONE: This is what you do in a TV drama once you’ve replaced the receiver after an upsetting call.
ULTIMATE, THE: eg The Ultimate Quiz Show, The Ultimate Collection, The Ultimate Horror, The Ultimate Talent Contest. Meaning: yet another in a long line.
UNTOLD STORY, THE: Title commonly used for documentaries on overworked subjects: eg Adolf Hitler: The Untold Story; JFK: The Untold Story; Loch Ness Monster: The Untold Story. ZOMBIE: Is it a zombie movie? On closer inspection, it turns out to be the 6.30am news team staring at the camera on breakfast TV.