He’s jealous of you and your mum

STEPH SAYS:

ThAnK you for writing with your dilemma, it’s no doubt a problem shared by many.

I’m sure you’re feeling protective of your mother, and under pressure from your husband. This is not an easy position.

Your family dynamic has radically changed — at a time when the world has been turned upside down. In your longer letter you write that you don’t live near your mother, so normally you see each other sporadically over the year.

We are all creatures of routine and habit and our home is our safe space, so it’s incredibly generous of your husband to have opened up his own comfort zone to his mother-in-law.

It’s clear to me that he feels he is now taking second place to your mother, and abundantly clear that your relationship has changed, too. he’s used to having your full attention; now you are caring for someone else.

Is he perhaps jealous of your mum and the attention you’re giving her? If he were an emotionally brave soul, he’d tell you that, but you might have to be brave and ask him.

Start with a huge thank you and explain what it has meant to you to have your mother with you. Tell him how much it has helped you manage your fears and improved your ability to cope with this virus.

Bringing your mother into your home has meant all your chicks are safe and with you. he has alleviated a great deal of worry for you.

Tell him you’re very aware how much patience and biting of his tongue he has had to do during these eight weeks, and that you don’t blame him in the slightest for feeling irritated by your mother. It is perfectly natural — we are all getting on each other’s nerves! Also explore ways you can change things to make him more comfortable. Try to carve out an area that is his alone.

And then do the same for your mother. It must be painful for her to feel unwelcome in her daughter’s house. Mothers like to be helpful: I’m sure she’s washing up those pots and pans, not just banging them to annoy your husband, so give her something else to do. Ask her to leave the kitchen to her son-inlaw, but get her to help with the ironing in front of the TV.

And give her a space of her own, too. Does she have a TV in her bedroom? Why not add a kettle and a biscuit tin? Who wouldn’t rather watch Countdown with a hobnob than wash up?

This problem won’t sort itself out, you have to find a solution. She’ll be there for a while yet. The key is getting through this without permanent damage.