Izzy Wizzy Gale’s in a Tizzy

One of Cummings’s most vocal critics is the Tory MP Roger Gale, someone never mistaken for a ray of sunshine. Gale, who used to work on The Sooty Show at the BBC, is no fan of the popular Press.

So when he found himself at a formal lunch sitting opposite exSun editor Kelvin MacKenzie, late of this parish, he was horrified.

He wasn’t going to break bread with a tabloid reptile, so he stormed off. As Gale took his leave, Kelvin raised his right hand, wiggled his fingers, and waved him off in his best Harry Corbett voice:

‘Bye, bye everybody. Bye, bye . . .’

NEVER having heard Cummings speak before, I’ve been trying to work out who he sounds like. Then it struck me. He’s a dead ringer for Wearside Jack, the hoaxer who kept calling the police pretending to be the Yorkshire Ripper 40-odd years ago. Never mind Durham. Can Dom account for his movements between 1978 and 1979?

What a joy to see Pixie Balls-Cooper back, foaming at the mouth again. She’d gone quiet lately, after spending most of the last Parliament screaming like a fishwife about Brexit. I wonder how she’s been getting on in lockdown with all those Syrian refugees she promised to invite into her home a couple of years ago. It must have been mighty crowded. I mean, she did take them in, didn’t she?

DOG grooming parlours are open, but not hairdressers. And, yesterday, pictures emerged of three freshly trimmed alpacas at a farm in Surrey. Which begs the question: why can’t we get a haircut yet, but we can take an alpaca for a short back and sides?