Oh, the fuming hell of putting up a new BBQ

HOW TO HOST THE BEST SUMMER BARBECUE — PART ONE: ASSEMBLY

1 This barbecue requires two people (1) and (2), for assembly, and a third (3) on standby to settle the resulting disputes. if Person (3) seems likely to further aggravate an already testy situation, then Person (4) should be on standby. Do not attempt to light the barbecue prior to removing all packaging materials.

2 Remove all packaging materials from individual parts before assembling. Lay out all the nuts and bolts in a straight line on a table prior to assembly. When the smallest nuts and bolts drop off the table, Person (1) should immediately blame Person (2), who must in turn storm off, denying all culpability.

After the errant nuts and bolts have been recovered, start assembly by placing Right Front Leg (B1) and Right Rear Leg (B2) on Bottom shelf (B5). imPoRTANT: all mentions of Right Front Leg, Right Rear Leg and Bottom shelf refer to parts of the barbecue, not parts of the body.

3 PUT the Left Front Leg (B3) and Left Rear Leg (B4) on Bottom shelf (B5) using the m610 Bolt (e2) as in Figure 2. Right Front Leg (B1) will now have collapsed, causing Right Rear Leg (B2) to come loose from its socket. The correct response (CR) is for Person (1) to inform Person (2) that he or she is getting in the way. in response, Person (2) should make it clear they never wanted a barbecue anyway. meanwhile, Person (3) should sigh loudly and say that they now wish they had never suggested it.

4 AFTER a ten-minute break, barbecue assembly should be resumed in silence.

Fix Leg Cap (B10) to Right Front Leg (B1) and Right Rear Leg (B2) as in Fig 3. hammer Leg Cap (B10) to make it fit on the legs. When this doesn’t work, hammer it harder. And harder still. When the hammer in the right hand (Rh) meets the thumb of the left hand (Lh), exclaim loudly (FFs) and vow to kill whoever designed this useless contraption (uC).

5 INSERT Wheels (B11) to Left Front Leg (B3) and Left Rear Leg (B4) using the Axle (e7).

once operation is completed, suddenly realise you have confused Right Front Leg (B1) with

Left Front Leg (B3), so now you have to start all over again. This is a shame, because your guests are arriving in twenty (20) minutes and there’s no way it’s going to be ready on time.

once the Wheels (B11) have been securely fastened to the correct legs, step back and take a proud look. Now push the wheels slightly, just to check that they are working. When the wheels fall off, causing the collapse of Front and Rear Legs (B1-B4) and Axle (e7), stamp your right foot (F2) three (3) times on the ground and blame Person (3) for suggesting a barbecue in the first place (iFP).

6 CONNECT upper support (B6) with Left Front Leg (B3) and Left Rear Leg (B4). Fix all the bolts tightly with the medium screwdriver (ms). No, not the large screwdriver (Ls) or the small screwdriver (ss), but the medium screwdriver (ms). What do you mean, there is no medium screwdriver (ms) included? Now check through all the parts, accessories, tools and devices on the ground. Draw a blank (DAB). After a further five (5) minutes of fruitless searching (Fs), realise that Person (4) placed the medium screwdriver (ms) under a discarded jersey (DJ) for safekeeping, and curse freely.

7 AFTER half an hour’s hard work, you have a set of wheels attached to the legs of your barbecue set. At this juncture, you may prefer to stop all further work, and use your completed set of wheels as a children’s toy or non-specific garden implement.

if, on the other hand, you wish to persevere, we recommend you consult a professional. This may involve temporary loss of face (LoF), but may also save your marriage.

Allow at least two (2) weeks for the professional to arrive and a further two (2) weeks for him to return, having forgotten several important tools. Throughout this period, you may enjoy unburnt meals cooked on the electric hob indoors.

8 CONGRATULATIONS! You are now ready to enjoy your new barbecue! IMPORTANT WARNING: Your barbecue should

never be used when the young or elderly are within range. or people of any age in between.