My dater’s guide to the tender trap
AS SOMEONE who has been online dating for some time, with mixed results, I have compiled a helpful guide for anyone who is trying to find a partner in this way for the first time. I can reveal there is a big difference between what a man’s profile says and what he really means . . . I hope you don’t mind me sending you so many texts: I’m desperate. Do you work? I’m after your time and money.
You’re so gorgeous and sexy, I feel I’m in love with you already: I’m going to scam you.
Please send me your email, I have a shy
friend who would love you: Hello, stupid, I’m going to scam you. I have a very busy life: I might be able to fit you in on a Tuesday.
Obviously my children/dogs/work
comes first: I might be able to fit you in on a Tuesday.
Sorry, Carol, not Sharon. This blooming
predictive text: I can’t keep track of all my online women.
So you don’t live in Bristol? I can’t keep track of all my online women. I went to college for a while: I got thrown out for drug taking.
I’m ready for a genuine relationship:
I have all my own teeth: In a jar. Hey/U OK?/hi: I’m as thick as a plank. I’m new to all this dating lark: You’re my guinea pig.
Sorry, I haven’t been in contact for a while, but my phone went down/ I’ve been so busy/I fell asleep: I don’t care a stuff about you.
Dating only — nothing serious: Run for the hills.
Please send a bikini shot: I’m a dirty old man.
What’s your politics? I’m a geek and I’ll never make you feel sexy and wanted.
I was married to the wife from hell:
I was the husband from hell.
Gosh, it’s been six weeks since I was last in touch — how are you? My dates didn’t work out so I’m scraping the barrel.
Yes, I have a job: I’m a bin man, but I’m not telling you that.
I’ll fill in the rest later: I can’t be bothered to make any kind of effort.
I have a great sense of humour:
I moon on buses.
I love children: Only mine. I love animals: My four Staffies sleep in my bed. name supplied, newton Abbot, Devon.