TAKE A JACKET FOR SUNBATHING, CARRIE

BORIS JOHNSON is having a vacay in Scotland this year. Holidaying in Scotland is one of those things — like burying your relatives in the garden — that is only posh when posh people do it.

For everyone else it is hope over experience, a poor plan B and, in the case of Trump Turnberry, quite literally the last resort. However, here are my tips on how to survive in my homeland during August.

I. The bad news: the Edinburgh Festival usually means the capital’s streets are full of tourists, mime artists, determined buskers, everyone on Mock The Week and comedian Arthur Smith. In addition, all the restaurants have been booked up for months. The good news: this year all events are taking place digitally, if at all — hurrah!

Locals searching for an upside to Covid have found a reason to cheer at last. And if Boris wants a table at The Scran & Scallie to eat Orkney scallops or bacon-wrapped grouse, all he has to do is pick up the phone.

II. Midges, avoidance of. Midges are small, pesky, annoying creatures, also called ‘Sturgeons’ for obvious reasons. During the twilight hours from June to midAugust they are impossible to avoid. Try proper insecticides if you like, but the only thing that really works is wearing a pop sock on your head. Do not venture near any banks while thus attired, or you may cause alarm.

III. Weather-wise, look on the bright side. A tourist website for Nordic visitors points out that ‘the wonderful thing about Scotland’s weather is that it also rarely gets too warm in the summer to stop you enjoying all the outdoor activities and sightseeing’. That’s one way of putting it!

IV. Boris and Carrie, pictured left on a previous holiday, would do well to bring a warm sweater or fleece, waterproof jacket and stout walking boots. These are a must for sunbathing anywhere north of Perth.