Is my lover selfish for robbing me of my dream wedding?

What, I wonder, do you think your beloved father would say to you now? Imagine that you’re sitting with him, telling him your troubles as you have told me.

Would he agree that he wanted you to be engaged, ‘so we could create happy wedding day memories’? Or might he suggest that he was never fixated on that rather strange, sentimental notion and all that should matter now is creating a stable life for his grandson? Might he advise gently that it’s time for his dear daughter to get a grip before she makes a terrible mistake?

anger at the sudden death of a dearly loved person is very common and understandable. You don’t ‘get over’ such a loss, but you do in time get used to it, allowing it to become absorbed into your being while you continue with your life.

I like to think that we have a duty to those we have lost to live on their behalf, to rejoice in the smallest things because they can only do so through us. Living the best life possible can become our gift to the beloved dead. Please consider that.

You use the word ‘unreasonable’ — and yes, I must be honest, I do think it very unfair of you to resent both the happy time your partner’s parents spend with your son and his delight in it. Because you feel

far from your family and miss your dad you are choosing indignation and negativity. It is both sad and dangerous.

You describe your partner as ‘selfish’ — and perhaps he is. He should certainly listen to your woes. However, it may sound harsh, but I must point out the selfishness of viewing the men in your life as accessories to what you want.

Should you think of your father as giver of a father-of-the-bride speech?

And if a man dislikes the flummery of a big, white wedding — the bride’s special day — why should he be required to endure it?

Love, marriage, creating a life together and stability for children . . . all these have nothing to do with white dresses, buttonholes and speeches.

They require mutual understanding, working through problems, sharing laughter, chatting, taking a pride in each other and putting the family unit (you three) first.

It is hardly respectful of your partner to think of him in terms of an objectified ‘father in the house’ rather than the person you love.

I agree it would be wonderful to live with your families equidistant, but would that fit with your partner’s work? What about friends where you are? Soon you will think about the quality of school too. All these things matter. Your ‘big, white wedding’ dreams less so.

Listen to him as you want him to listen to you. Talk. Instead of imagining separating from your son’s proud dad, why not use that energy planning a sweet, small wedding? You can create a ‘dream day’ every day of your life — but only if you make a mature choice.